The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

You get invited to lunch with your CEO, and the only clean T-Shirt you have says, "What are you looking at, Fuck-Face?"

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

We uncover the secrets of HR's incentive plan.

Titles

Marketing woke up one day and decided it was time to change WTHAIS's image. Letterhead, logos, fonts, everything was going to be changed. It beats getting an honest job.

One of the items on the list of stuff to change was business cards. Marketing designed the new card, and contracted with a vendor who took orders over the web. Then we got an email telling us how to order our new cards.

We would login and modify any of the information on the card (name, title, phone number, etc.) but not the format. After all, the format is far more important than the information.

I logged in, saw my name was not what I have printed on my business cards, changed it, and looked down to my title. Well that wasn't going to do. I needed something that stood out. Something that would let the recipient know I wasn't some new guy. I considered, "Don't Fuck With Me!" but remembered Rule 1.

Rule 1

Stay Employed

In six years at this place I think I've handed out six cards. I have a whole box of them. Having the new look on my card really isn't essential. People in my group do not, in general, meet customers in the flesh. The fact that from time to time I do, means I'm not The New Guy. I could get away with screwing up the new cards for a gag, and using the old cards on those once in a year moments when I hand one to a customer.

In The Valley, titles are cheap. I once gave the title "Warehouse Manager" to the one guy who worked in my warehouse in the late 80's. He wanted the title so he could send a card home to his mother.

Almost everyone in The Valley had Engineer in their title in the 90's whether they built stuff or not. Crash had secured the unique title Carbon-Based Life-Form at SGI.

I knew this web ordering could never have any adult supervision. The vendor was just going to print whatever I wrote, and mail the cards directly to me. A hunting I will go...

I considered, "Master of Sloth" but no one understands that title anymore. Sloth was a server of mine back at Green Lizard. Sloth is also my favorite sin. Human - that was a good possibility. It was effective, and accurate. I almost went with this, but it didn't convey the important message I wanted to send.

I finally settled on, "Master of All I Survey". It has a ring, and has a cat-like attitude. All of this is mine, and you people will do what I say.

The box of cards has arrived, and the Twinkee hasn't seen them yet. I'm saving this for her birthday.

HR MBO's

Quarter end was approaching, and with that people start running around to meet their MBO's, you know those little tasks they have to do to get a little more in their pay-check?

I was training two FNG's when the woman from HR who sent the Twinkee the letter about going to France flagged me down. She motioned me to my sorry excuse for a cube, and pointed at my cabinet. "Those have to come down!"

The back story is that when you go on vacation in my group, your cube gets decorated. When I went to Florida, I came back to a cube with a complete Florida theme. But my team had trouble when I went to Asia. The best they came up with was Hanoi Hilton, but then they flubbed the execution. Instead of bars and torture devices, they put up Mug-Shots.

Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson, Pee Wee Herman, Jane Fonda, Hugh Grant, Bill Gates, and even Bert from Sesame Street's mug-shots were plastered up in my cube. I thought it was poor execution of the theme, and it wasn't going to win any awards, but I left them up.

It had been four months since I got back from Asia, and finally HR saw the artwork.

"They have to come down!" the HR Lady said.

"Why?"

"They're offensive!"

I almost did a Diet Coke spit-take.

"Did someone complain?"

"No."

"What is offensive?"

She gave me a stern look.

"I want to understand this. No one is complaining, and you say they are offensive. Tell me what's offensive about Mug-Shots."

She pointed to O.J. "Someone might not agree with the verdict."

"What's that got to do with a mug-shot? It's not a declaration of guilt, it's proof of being arrested."

"They have to come down!" She stormed off.

I was very busy that week, and tired of looking at Bill Gates shit-eating grin in his mug-shot, so I tore them down. Then I got thinking. Of all the items in my cube this was what was offensive?

In my cube are a hand grenade, a very large rat dressed in a cape (the team mascot), a can of Spotted Dick, and a sign which reads, "This Facility Has Gone 0 Days Without Physical Violence." The sign is held up with darts. The mug-shots were offensive? I think her head's come undone.

Then it struck me. End of quarter, MBO's. People only do as little as they have to in order to secure the bonus. I bet her MBO was to piss off three employees that quarter and she was one short.

One day in the distant future I will leave WTHAIS. After I give notice, I'm going to plaster the place with pictures of O.J., and Orange Juice. Always leave them wanting more.

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Apple Releases iPod Suppository!

New Mega-Bass Feature Selling More Metal Songs on iTunes!

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"I'm going to need a drink for this call."

"What did we buy him for a baby gift?"
"A case of Slim Jims."
"I wish I'd thought of that."

"I'll see you after this rash clears up."

"I'm still smiling. That's got to be wrong."

"No one wants to play 'Good Cop'."

"The geese are having a poop fest."

"Imagine I was in a field of bacon! Every direction I turned... bacon!"

"Do you find more and more that you need to bush your teeth after every meeting?"

"I wonder if it's quality marijuana."

Excuse Me

I need to hang my Joseph Stalin poster.

Fek'Lar
(The Last Honest Geek)

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!

Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.

From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people in the Bush Administration.

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EOJ

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