The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
work is so screwed up the column writes itself.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
This issue contains the words "fucking" and "asshole". However, they are not in the same paragraph, and one does not describe what is happening to the other.
If it's a go-to-hell sin to kill yourself and you're a Catholic masochist, doesn't off'ing yourself get you exactly what you want?
I love it when logic and religion collide.
Manager #6 is into her toys. (Ok, that sounded worse than I meant.) She's just picked out a pink phone headset. Not only is it pink, it's wireless.
I'm not really into the new Borg look. People walking around wearing tiny Blue Tooth ear clips hoping someone is going to call them. You can never tell if these people are on the phone, not on the phone but just talking to the voices in their head, or just acting pretentious.
I think half of these people are wearing their implants to look cool. It's fashion. It reminds me of a lunch I once had just outside Universal Studios in LA. I sat there swigging my Diet Coke, looking at a restaurant packed with studio execs (one per table). Each exec had a cell phone. This was the era of the cell phone brick. Nothing that could fit into a pocket. Some phones came with shoulder straps.
I thought, "how screwed up is your business that you can't go to lunch without dragging the brick along?" Then it hit me. The phones weren't laying on the table, they were standing on it to make the phone easier to see from other tables. These guys were displaying their dicks.
Where I saw it a business weakness that they can't go to lunch without the ball and chain, they saw it as more one-ups-manship. It's the "I'm so important everyone needs to be able to get me" syndrome. That's what I think the Borg Implants are. The phone is so small they have it shoved up their ass, so they have the Implants out where you can see them because the wearer is that important.
I've told you in the past that I carry a company phone. I do this for money. You want me on call 24/7/365? No problem, pay me for it. But I also reserve the right to turn it off from time to time, like when I'm at a movie, on vacation, or other appropriate down time. If the business can't live without me for this long we have real problems, and I need more money. The phone stays in my pocket, unseen by the public. No implants for me, thank you. I don't want to be that important.
Wasn't That The Word Mary Poppins Kept Singing About?
As I mentioned in previous issues of The Crapolla, WTHAIS has merged with another company. These merger thingies always cause confusion, pressure, and screaming; everything that makes a staff meeting worth going to.
In the confusion arena there's the Marketing Department. I bag on Marketing Pukes a lot. I've met very few in my time that were not a waste of flesh. Most are idiots that tell you they want to pick low-laying fruit. That's nice, but they don't realize you need some fruit higher up the tree for next quarter. These guys are morons.
One particular Marketing Puke came by my cube to learn how to do his job. He's from the company we bought, and this was his first software release under our regime. We do things a particular way. It was a good idea to ask how we do it, but he should have asked a few months ago. He was on deadline and just waking up to the fact that we have a Change Management Board. If he couldn't get his thingie past us, no bonus.
This guy loves to stand six inches away while you are sitting, causing you to have to look up at him. I think he learned this from watching Triumph of the Will over and over again. He was whining that his product just had to get released.
I told him what to do and dismissed him. No, I wasn't doing it for him. Do I look like a Marketing Puke?
The next morning, I'm sitting in the Project Management meeting. I go for the raw intel. If you want to know what we as a company are doing, sit in this meeting. After the adjournment gavel was banged, a Project Manager, who almost always has his oars in the water, asked me about the very same project the Marketing Puke mentioned. I told him what I told the Puke and went on my merry way.
Later than day, I'm having a conversation with Manager #6 when the Marketing Puke storms up, interrupts, and starts whining. I tell him what I told him yesterday, and what I told the Project Manager in the morning.
He interrupts asking me to give it to him without the supercilious attitude.
Excuse fucking me? You don't know how to do your job, I explain it three times, you take no notes, and then you attack my attitude?
I tell the Puke that this is the way I am, deal with it. He counters with statements about my attitude being difficult to work with. I tell him to leave.
Manager #6 then asked me why this guy would do this? I said he was scared. She giggled. We went back to picking out wall paper for her cube.
I am going to sound like a complete asshole for saying this. Maybe I am, you be the judge. But since you are reading this rag, and it's probably not the first time, you know I'm not making this crap up. The truth is, at this company, I'm on top of my game. For seven years I have crammed my head full of processes and strategies, noting which worked and which didn't. I've come in on days off to fix company tanking disasters (one of which I predicted.)
There are only two guys who have been at this company longer than I. Ask any of us for help, and you'll get process, strategy, and history. I've coached, mentored, and trained new people, people who didn't get it, or people who asked for help. I encourage people asking for help, and give them more than just what they ask for. I also hit them with what they didn't know they needed. What I will not put up with are incompetent Marketing Pukes who don't know that when they use the word supercilious, they are supercilious.
Supercilious means to act superior. I'm not acting. Do I have an ego? Yes. Am I conceited? No. I don't think I'm the only one with the answers. I solicit help too, and when I ask for information, help, and assistance, I shut my mouth, open my ears, and take notes. When the assistance helps, I make sure the manager of the person who helped me gets a note with them CC:ed complementing their team, and this person in particular who gave their all for the company.
I don't bitch about their attitude, whatever it may be, because I want to be able to go to the well again. I've worked with people who, frankly, stink. They can stink all they want if they do good work and are helpful. They can bitch, whine, and moan. They can even act supercilious if their information is good. That's all I care about.
Puke Boy's product shipped. He must have whined, begged, or paid one of the other two to tell him what to do.
This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.
New Commandments Discovered!
Women Are no Longer Allowed to Fake It, and Men Have to Stop Scratching Themselves in Public.
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"What is error 422?"
"Product is piece of shit."
"The PDA is a turd with transistors."
"What will you be doing?"
"I'm going to manage a French IT department."
"So... you'll be getting plenty of sleep."
"We need to get that list by 4."
"Shift end?"
"Happy Hour"
Fluffy Bunny just called a meeting.
Fek'Lar
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!
Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.
From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people in the Bush Administration.
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EOJ
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