The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're a Real Geek When...

Your iPod won't plug into your car radio, so you buy a new car.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

Career Counseling

Take a Letter

An anonymous tightwad writes...

Dear Fek,

One of the ladies in the office had a bake sale for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I missed it. I really meant to go and spend a lot of money. She didn't meet her goal. She's so embarrassed and said in a huff that she was going to have the Gloryhole for a Cure to make up the money.

Should I go?

Name and Company Withheld Upon Request

You cheap bastard! You're part of the problem in The Valley. People make craploads of money and give virtually nothing to charity. You weaseled out of the bake sale, now you want out of this? You're a low life!

Yes, you are required to go to the Gloryhole for a Cure and spend a lot of money. If you don't care about your fellow human, think of this as a karma thing. If you don't participate, imagine what the universe is going to do to you! Take a couple hundred bucks, you shit!

Very Truly Yours,

Fek'Lar

How Would You Like a Career in High Tech?

I often get email asking me where in tech people should aim their careers. Like I'm the guidance counselor in High School. OK, I'll play your little game and provide, from my perspective, your pocket guide to tech positions.

First, you need to understand that there are a lot of people "in tech" who have no idea what "tech" is. They are the infrastructure of the company. They don't produce the product, in fact they are an expense, but you can't have a company without them.

Dead Weight

Human Resources - HR has three real tasks in the company. They hire you, they fire you, and they contract for the benefits. Many people are afraid of HR, mostly because of their firing function. HR is really your manager's bulldog. So if you've ever thought of being a mafia hitman but you don't like the sight of blood, here's a real possibility.
Managers - Managers seem to believe they are qualified to tell others what to do without actually having the skills to do it themselves. For this reason, people who majored in management in college tended to not get laid a second time. Their partners got sick and tired of having to take direction. The best managers (and these are very rare) know they are unqualified to do the work, acknowledge it, and get out of your way. They got laid more. Managers are simply infrastructure. Their real task is to get you the resources so you can do your job. If you're a control freak with no skills, aim for management!
Legal - As you might have guessed, this department is comprised of lawyers and their flunkies. The flunkies move contracts around and call customers when bills aren't paid, and the lawyers write the contracts and sue the customers when the bills are still not paid. You need these people. If you don't have a legal department, your competition and your customers are going to gang-rape you.
Finance - These are the proverbial bean counters. They move money around (including your paycheck) and bitch and whine when you're spending too much. When they realize that their life is wasting away, they try to interject themselves into the product cycle by announcing how to make the product cheaper. You know, like removing lemon juice from the lemonade drink. Bean Counters should be locked in their offices and ignored.

Then you have the groups who are actually involved in producing the product and collecting money. You need these guys, they are the source of revenue, not a cost.

Heavy Lifters

Engineering - Here's a much abused title. Everyone wants to be an "Engineer". There are only two types of people who should ever be addressed as an engineer.
1. People who operate engines.
2. People who make something out of nothing.
Everyone else is a punter, and not an engineer. You'll be a good engineer if you ever took your watch apart, or your computer, or your cat, cleaned all the parts, and then re-assembled them. But the price you'll have to pay are long hours, bad food, a Diet Coke addiction, and being a fashion nightmare. You'll die young. Buy life insurance.
Quality Assurance - Much like the camel which can go weeks without water, these troglodytes have enough vitamin D stored up to spend a year out of sunlight. If you like pressure, hate people, and want to tell engineers how they screwed up, here's a career for you!
Support - The Bad News Bears of any organization. They know what the product should do, what it doesn't do, has an opinion on everything, yet are unqualified to implement their ideas. Besides long hours and bad food, you'll also enjoy being yelled at by total strangers and will forever wonder what a nude woman looks like.
Sales - Huh? What are these guys doing anywhere near the techies? Cash is your company's life blood. These guys go get it for you every day. In theory, these guys should be everyone's best friend. In practice, they are the alcoholics of the company and pathogenic liars. They will tell the customer the product does have a levitation feature and then throw the engineer under a bus when he doesn't deliver. Are you an alcoholic lying scumbag? Then Sales might be for you!

The final class in the company (and I use the word "class" in the clinical sense) are people who are the biggest drain of cash, and provide the least benefit. These guys think of the company as a pyramid scheme.

Worthless Idiots

Marketing - Do you ever wonder where the "popular" kids in high school went? They're right here in marketing where they continue to act like they are more important than everyone else. Most marketing people have never had an original idea in their lives. They're hangers-on and Me Too people. Did you plagiarize a lot of term papers in college? You'll be right at home here!
Business Development - Here's a department that gave itself a nickname. They like to be called "Biz Dev" like there's something cool about it. Business Development is where people in marketing go when no one in marketing can stand them anymore. They think this makes them the "Alpha Marketers" rather than the useless people set adrift in a life boat.
Executives - Most executives are over-paid sales people. In technology, most executives have no idea how the product works. You can easily lock their brains up in less than a paragraph. But if you worship money and nothing else, aim for the executive suite. The hours are long but are mostly spent on golf courses. Do not accept an executive position if you have a conscience!

There you have it, the complete A-Z guide to a career in tech. Are you still feeling feisty, or do you want to go back to the food service industry?

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

The Bush Administration Finally Decides to Save an Endangered Species!

The Golden Parachutes Have Successfully Deployed!

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"Never feed Rolos to your dog."

"I'll respect you after the deployment."

"Is this a real emergency, or just more poor planning on your part?"

"Detroit is the ninth circle of hell."

"If we were all cats, society would not have formed."

Excuse Me

I have to push my portfolio manager off a ledge.

Fek'Lar
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!

Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.

From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people in the Bush Administration.

feed available from http://www.lowcomdom.com/crapolla/index.rss

EOJ

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