The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You know you're ugly when...

The TSA refuses to look at you on the Nude-O-Scope.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

Dropping a penny on the TSA.

The Penny Dropped

I've taken on a new Padawan learner at WTHAIS. But I haven't been as confident in this one as I had with so many others. He seems tentative to get into trouble. If there's any word to describe my team, it's trouble. This is a bad place if you don't like being on the edge of getting fired. It's one of those jobs where you have to fall on your face a few times, and risk pissing people off to get anywhere. This is not a job for people who want a quiet life. This Padawan has been quite squeamish. But then one day...

"We are screwed!" came out of the Padawan's mouth.

Oh! The penny dropped! He's just learned the nature of this job. The moment you sign on, you are among the damned. No one is ever going to like you. Every time Product Management releases something, you're the guy who mops up the vomit on aisle 4.

"Now you know what all the screaming and swearing is about," I said.

"But... We're..." he said with complete and absolute worry.

"Breathe. Go with it. Relax."

I gave him a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

"Read this, it will stop the panic you're feeling. Oh, and I never want to see you without a towel again." I love mentoring.

Then I gave him Richard Bach's Illusions, a book truly under-appreciated by the general public.

"Then read this. It will show you how to have fun with it."

"But..."

"Shut up. Breathe. Read. Have a Diet Coke."

Ok, I feel better about this one. Perhaps I can get this Padawan learner to embrace chaos, destruction, people being upset, and join the rest of us on the Dark Side. Maybe... or his head will explode.

Doesn't It Look Like The TSA Is Just Making It Up?

Did you see this? The Department of Homeland Security has figured out how to make a bomb hidden in a Thermos bottle. (I got news for you, the CIA had that in the 1950's.) So since they figured it out, they figure "The Terrorists" have also figured it out, and so... the TSA is now going to give Thermos bottles "special attention". When asked if there's any intelligence which indicates that there's a threat of "The Terrorists" using a Thermos bomb, the Department of Homeland Security says, "no".

I'm reminded of a line Mel Brooks said in Blazing Saddles. "Gentlemen! We have to protect our phoney-baloney jobs!" It really does appear that the DHS and the TSA are looking for reasons to exist. I'm waiting for them to decide that you can kill people with a glass of water (you can), and so no more drinks on the flight.

My conservative friends tell me that government doesn't do anything efficiently. I must disagree. It may be that all large organizations are rife with corruption and waste. But the Federal government has proven itself very good at keeping the constituency afraid. Since 911 they have invented color-coded levels of fear that never told you what to do other than how afraid to be. They've told people to watch what they say. They've forced fliers into various level of undress in public places, all in the name of "security". Now they've come up with common household items that might really be bombs.

And who's to say the Thermos bombs will only be used at the airport? Aren't construction sites the perfect place to plant an Thermos bomb? What about in the cabs of long-haul trucks, or the locomotives of trains? My God, aren't you shit-in-your-pants afraid yet? No? Well wait till next month when the TSA announces they are concerned about baby rattles that might be filled with nitroglycerin. That's right, "The Terrorists" have now recruited babies into the jihad. Is nothing sacred?

No, nothing is, especially this idea that you can be "secure" or "safe". The world has never been a safe place. There's always been something or someone who was able to kill you at a moments notice. Your car isn't safe. The food you eat isn't safe. More people are killed by lightning strikes every year in this country than are killed by "The Terrorists". So, that means Mother Nature really is a bitch. You might be killed by a police officer. Probability says there's twice the chance a cop is going to kill you than "The Terrorists", and most people trust cops. Oakland police officer Johannes Mehserle thought he was pulling out his Taser and shot Oscar Grant with his gun. What does this mean? First, the cops are Taser-happy, and second, cops make mistakes and kill people. The world isn't and never has been safe and secure. Deal with it.

What doesn't allow all of these precautions of the government to ring true is the enormous amount of money per airline passenger that has been spent. I mean, when you consider the cost of safety, certainly corporations and governments have a number per person beyond which, they will not spend. Even though your car is probably the safest you've ever purchased, it is not perfectly safe, and there are still scandals where car companies have covered up problems because of the cost repairing the defect. You know, the conservatives love to scream about costs when the government wants to require cars to be safer. That argument always falls flat on it's face because all cars have to meet the same safety standards. So what did car makers do? They made trucks (which have lower safety standards) which would appeal to women, and called them SUVs. You see? There is a limit to how much anyone will pay to save your life... except at an airport. There, the government will spend billions on procedures and technology that have not been proven to be effective.

Here's another example staying with cars. On 911 about 3000 people were murdered. In 2009, 33,808 people died in cars. That's 2817 per month, or another 911 every month on the roads. But we aren't throwing a ridiculous amount of money on pie-in-the-sky procedures, technology, strip searches, or non-bid contracts. Why? There's no upside for the government. The government appears to be in business of perpetuating itself. They're there to make sure you realize you need them. Keeping you afraid is a great way to do this.

Could they try to make their excuses a little more believable? Who's thinking this up, Jerry Bruckheimer?

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Botox Cures Migraine Headaches!

Guess Where You Have to Stick the Needle

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"Hyderabad is the Stalingrad of India."

"I might not have done this right. I've heard a rumor that soufflés are supposed to puff up."

"Me and the Brillo Pad are really close."

"I don't think you're going crazy. I think you're already there."

"It's like in The Matrix. There is no spoon."

Excuse Me

I need a Cheese Steak.

Fek'Lar
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!

Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.

From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people from the Christian Right.

feed available from http://www.lowcomdom.com/crapolla/index.xml

EOJ

<-- Read the previous Crapolla or Read the next Crapolla -->