The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You know you're screwed when...

No one wants to be in your Will.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

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In This Issue...

Netflix Shoots First!

Restoring Your Childhood

As you might be aware, in the late 70's and early 80's (before you were born) Uncle George made three movies called Star Wars. When he had the time and the money, he went back and started re-making the three movies. His only explanation was that he's making the movies he always wanted to make. Some of the die-hard fans have complained about this because Uncle George not only upgraded special effects, he changed the editorial tone of the films.

The classic example is called "Han Shot First!" As you'll recall, after Luke and Ben make a deal with Han and Chewie to get off Tatooine, a heavy name Greedo confronts Han about money Han owes Jabba the Hut. Greedo shoots his mouth off too much and Han shoots Greedo under the table. He then stands slowly so everyone can get a good look, tosses a coin to the bartender and says, "Sorry for the mess." In the re-edit, George made Greedo shoot before Han kills him. Worse yet, Han is no longer shooting under the table.

Many are completely appalled. They see Han killing Greedo in cold blood in the first film (number 4) to be extremely important in the Han Solo story arc. Han is the opposite of Luke, who is still wet behind the ears, innocent. As Luke's eyes are opened during the three films, his costume goes from white to grey to black. But Han isn't innocent. He's wise to the ways of the world (galaxy?). When he shoots Greedo, and does that slow stand and stroll to the door, he's saying, "Greedo got in my face, and I killed him. You don't want to get in my face."

Over the three films, Han will learn that people can love him, and he can care and love them back. The Han at the end of Return of the Jedi (number 6) is not the same guy who killed Greedo. He's been redeemed by Luke and Leia. For contrast's sake, Han must be a cold-blooded killer in the first movie (number 4) for the redemption to be a powerful part of the story. George's re-edit dilutes Han's redemption.

Star Wars is about to be released on Blu-Ray. It's time to put the "George Screwed With the Movies Too Much" problem to bed. It's time to add a feature to the discs allowing you to edit the film as you like. Want Han to shoot first? No problem. Now switch in the DOOM interface and select his weapon. Of course Han should have the BFG. Not only does he shoot Greedo, he blows him through the wall. (At least in my version.)

I'd also like to see when Luke is lifting off in his X-Wing for the first time, he should knock something over. Something heavy. Something heavy that lands on Leia's foot.

In The Empire Strikes Back (number 5) (the best Star Wars movie), I'd like to make Threepio give the finger to Artoo in their first scene when he's chastising the moving trash can about turning up the heat in Leia's quarters on the ice planet.

You should be able to edit how far Han and Leia go in their make out scene in the Falcon. Options would be leave it alone, add tongue, first base, second base, third base, and home run. (Apologies to people in England, I don't know how to translate this to Cricket terms.)

When Vader tells Luke he's Luke's father, he should also tell Luke to get a hair cut.

In Return of the Jedi (number 6) (the most boring Star Wars movie), I'd cut a whole lot of redundant stuff out. The movie would be 45 minutes long.

If Uncle George would add this capability to the Blu-Rays, I'd buy these movies again. But if it's more revisionist filmmaking by a guy who had only three good ideas in his film career (THX 1138, American Graffiti, and Star Wars (Raiders was his and Speilberg's)) I'm not interested in buying the films for the third time. I'll just crack open another Diet Coke and wait for Netflix to deliver them sometime in 2012.

Netflix

There's been a lot of complaining on the net about Netflix and its big price increase. In case you haven't been involved. The company split out its two major products, discs and streaming, and is going to charge for each separately. The result is if you had a two disc and streaming plan, Netflix was going to increase the price about 60%.

The grumbling I read was from people whom I percieve as not understanding economics. Your vendor has increased prices. You have a choice to make. Pay the increase, or change your purchase. Instead, the grumblers are mostly just bitching.

I was on a two disc plus streaming plan. The choice for me was very easy. The choices on Netflix's streaming are restricted to older movies and television shows. There are almost no newer films. I use Netflix to watch what was in the theatre six months ago, and I pay extra to get Blu-Ray discs. I want to see the best picture I can. Streaming doesn't meet any of my needs, and I have streamed almost nothing. I cut streaming from my plan.

I also cut the number of discs from two to one. There are two reasons for this. First, I wanted to send a message to Netflix that I wasn't happy with the price increase, and so I am penalizing them by lowering their revenue from me. Second, since I no longer am a streaming customer, I receive no benefit from the deals Netflix made with studios which delay when Netflix can offer many discs by a month. The deal they made was so they could increase the size of the streaming library, but, as I mentioned, this doesn't mean they get any of the new releases. Now I get a delayed product so someone else can see more Star Trek. For now, I will give less money to Netflix.

I'm sure in the future I will be switching from a disc product to a streaming product. That is the way of the future. But when that day comes, I'll be able to stream a 1080p movie faster than waiting for a Blu-Ray disc. It's simple economics. Give me what I want, when I want it, and don't charge too much. I have other options for entertainment, and I'm not afraid to use them.

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Standard & Poor's Downgrades US Debt

"Hey, they didn't pay us like Lehman Brothers did."

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"Here's a life-lesson. Cut in line."

"Ok, I'm done screaming."
"No, you're not. It's only 10."

"This is the 21st century. Walter Chronkite told me in grade school that things were going to be all better. That bastard lied to me!"

"Don't go to the morning training. It's just a rehearsal for the evening training."

"I threw some shit against the wall and it stuck. Let's ship it."

Excuse Me

I have to go un-follow a bunch of people.

Fek'Lar
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!

Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.

From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people from the Christian Right.

feed available from http://www.lowcomdom.com/crapolla/index.xml

EOJ

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