Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
Your manager always begins conversations with the words, "Two Things..."
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
We Wrap up a death sentence for Little Timmy.
"Ya hungry?"
"Ya."
"What do you want to get?"
"Huh? What the hell is that?"
"A wrap, you know, tortilla, cheese, beans...."
"You mean a burrito?"
"No, these are wraps, they're better."
"What's so good about them?"
"They cost more."
I don't know why Hollywood hasn't been able to pump out a decent movie this summer. God knows there's plenty of science fiction material in my personal life. This conversation being one of them. The person I was speaking with, (whose name will remain secret since their bribe check did clear), was serious. I had to see this bullshit to believe it.
A short drive in a new VW Bug (ick!) to Yuppie Central confirmed the disfuctionality in the purple haze of reality that we call Palo Alto, California. It was a "Wrap Bar".
Yes, the disgusting Yuppie invasion has washed over Mexican food. Here in the Sillycon Valley you can't really find real Mexican food anymore. It's all been Yuppyized. Burritos are now Wraps. So does that make a Taco a Fold? What would the Yuppy Scum call a Tostada - an UnWrap? Would you have to drink 7Up with it, or could you still have designer water?
I grew up with an appreciation of real Mexican food. A Mexican Mama was in the kitchen of the restaurant, and the plates came out of the oven hot. Eating real Mexican food causes your nose to run, and your brow to sweat. This never happens at the Yuppy Wrap Bar. Yuppies don't like to sweat. They also don't like to acknowledge any of their other normal bodily functions. We ate at a new Yuppy place last week. The Nachos were covered with Parmesan cheese. Damn things looked like they had been through a snow storm. It was disgusting.
But I don't know that you can give the Yuppies 100 percent of the blame. Think of their lifestyle. They're in that "stab your buddy in the back and get all the money" greed mode. They need food that matches this life style. Venturing into a real Mexican place would probably make their wing-tips look all scuffy. What alternatives do they have?
Taco Bell certainly isn't an alternative. Not that I would dream of calling it Mexican food either - but that's not why it's out of the running. It's the advertising. Taco Bell is now being pushed onto the public by an ugly Marxist dog. Whose brilliant idea was this? Last I heard the socialists were a very small minority. That aside, how could a Yuppy Scumbag be seen in the den of the communist conspiracy?
Anyone out there speak Spanish? Okay, figure out for yourself what Gordita really means. What sick and twisted pervert at Taco Bell marketing decided to sell chubbies? This leads us to build a psychological profile of the advertising people involved with the Taco Bell campaign. These people are obviously pedophiles who are probably into bondage and slavery, but they believe this discipline will ultimately set the workers free. As for the choice of dog - well they just don't know any better.
"What Are Ya in For?"
"7 to 10 on an armed robbery, my agent got me 30K a year so I'm hoping that parole gets turned down."
Remember Barretta? Remember the song? "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time"
LowComDom Marketing has just cooked up a wacky scheme for people who need to commit crimes yet don't have the time to do the time.
It's all economics. People choose to obey the law because the cost is time in jail. The only real thing you have in your life is time. Time wasted is life wasted. It's also been said that time is money. The question is how much?
Skippy Robinson called an All-Hands last week (gutsy move for a young marketing dood) to announce the new LowComDom "Surrogate Prisoner" offering. LowComDom will broker prison sentences between convicted criminals and the unemployed or under-employed.
Under the plan, the Convict does not enter prison. Instead, the Convict places money into a escrow account controlled by LowComDom which equals the maximum number of years times the negotiated wage of the Surrogate Prisoner, plus a little commission for us. Once the contract has been signed and the Convict's money is confirmed in the escrow account, the Convict is no longer obliged to enter the prison system, however the conviction remains on their record.
The Surrogate Prisoner is an independent contractor who is paid by LowComDom on a monthly basis from the escrow account who serves the original sentence of the Convict. Any additions to the sentence based on bad behavior is extra time the Surrogate Prisoner must serve without pay. If the Surrogate Prisoner is paroled they remain on the payroll, but at a lower rate. Much like stock options, maxing out your sentence without getting into trouble yields the best return.
Surrogate Prisoners also enjoy the benefits of normal prison life, a roof over their head, three square meals a day, plus all the shower sex they can stand. However, the Surrogate Prisoner does have to pay income tax, and again, any additions to the sentence due to a tax evasion conviction is on their own dime.
You might think this would only work for people who have been sentenced to a specific number of years, but LowComDom Marketing has also worked out a plan for people who have been sentenced to death. The Surrogate Prisoner designates a beneficiary who is paid a lump sum upon the Surrogate Prisoner's execution. Who would go for this? Let's say your kid needs a kidney, wouldn't you take 50,000 volts in Huntsville, Texas for little Timmy? Sure you would. You fry, Timmy lives. You live, Timmy experiences a horrible painful death. Do you really want that on your conscience? Frying for Timmy might even get you a free admission ticket through the pearly gates.
You might think this is only going to be of advantage for the rich, but if you think about this, it has a lot of advantages. First, the prison population is going to be much better behaved since many of the prisoners will be professionals just there to do a job. This will make the job of Prison Correctional Officer much safer. Second, this is going to provide better employment for many than the typical burger flipping gigs that lead nowhere career wise. A professional Surrogate Prisoner should be able to make more than three times the earnings of a burger flipper without having to say, "Would you like fries with that?"
At least that's what Skippy told us.
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"Do what I do. Suck it up, put your emotions behind a wall, and let your spirit die."
"I had a really productive morning, I was programming in the nude."
"He's a real closer. Sales gets the customer ready to write the check, this guy goes in, speaks to the customer and gets them to close the door in our face."
"What does this smell like?"
Excuse Me
The Warden's having trouble opening his jpegs.
Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 1998 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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