Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
you screw up and there's no car to paint.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
Stereotypes and your letters.
But First, This Correction ...
Anthony Lee-Masis of Liberate.com writes ...
Fek,
while speaking with Colleen last night she had mentioned that the latest edition of the Crapolla had come out, and that there was a nice picture of my boss on there. I was so eager to get in the office the next morning (seeing that I'm in London I have an 8 hour advantage). To my dismay while reading the section on Management Material I found a typo -
If you answered yes to less that four of these questions, stay in engineering.
I believe you were trying to say "less than four" ?
If I am mistaken please forgive me and don't take my Crapolla away from me :)
Ciao ..
Houston, we have a problem. First Anthony thinks he's Italian. No, he does run around wearing part of a pirate costume, but he's not Italian. May I suggest some therapy?
Second, we don't have a car to paint anymore. Last time we blew up Steph's car. He's been moping around the Sillycon Valley making the homeless look good ever since. It's sad but it needed to be done. You know I would ask for suggestions but I know the type of people who read this rag.
Take A Letter
Hey Fek'Lar,
What's up with all these nicotine substitutes? I've tried the patches and the gum and they just won't stay lit!
Keep writing,
Michael J. Davidson
Who am I, Joycelyn Elders? Uh, let me re-phrase that.
Young Jedi,
Fire isn't that easy. Recently my eldest Niece went to The Great White North to study pigs and get her Ph.d. (Doctor of Pigology?) In this arctic place (hey as far as I'm concerned, anything north of say the 40th parallel is the arctic.) certain things won't catch fire such as propane. It's just too cold there to light propane. The locals deal with this by lighting Moose instead.
Perhaps your problem would be solved if you got yourself a Moosepatch or some Moose gum.
Take Another Letter
hey almight feklar,
here is something i thought a little out of place...my new giant company
thinks our signitures should all be alike to present one common identity to
the customer.....is that what the borg says??? Here is their explanation:
___Standardize Your E-Mail Signature___
A single brand identity is critical to our continued success. One way
we communicate that identity is through our e-mail signatures. We've
created a guideline that is recommended for all employees. The details
count when it comes to looking like a cohesive, united firm to the
outside world. The guidelines document should help you understand
the template. Please take a look and make sure your e-mail signature
conforms with the guidelines. It makes a big difference!!
these people are wacko:
Maggie
Exit 8, New Jersey
Maggie,
Why don't these Bozos just issue all of you the same name, phone number, email address, and underwear?
Don't eat in this company's cafeteria. Remember, Soylent Green is people!
Now go slap your boss up side the head.
I dropped in for my daily fix.
"Are you a computer engineer?" the scoopmeister asked.
"Yeah, what tipped you off, the blue jeans, the dirty t-shirt that says, "Ask me about my bugs!", the three day's growth on my face? What?"
"The scowl!"
I hadn't heard that one before. I've had this lovely disposition since junior high and that's way before I got into computers. (And I insist to add that my disposition is much sunnier these days, DAMN IT!) This begs the question, "are we all walking stereotypes?" Was I destined to be a Geek from that incident in 7th grade chemistry that forever pissed me off and sent me looking for revenge on the Dark Side of the processor? Or did I have a choice to go looking for revenge on the Dark Side?
I headed for three chili dogs. A red Mazda Miata with the top down stopped at the cross walk waiting for me to pass. The driver was lean, balding, trying to look cool. Ah, doing the sports car comb-over I see. This is another stereotype. Men in their forties driving sports cars. Grasping youth that is long gone. Of course if the car had a V-8 engine we'd also know he had a self image problem with his penis.
I don't know about this stereotype stuff. Not all engineers look the same. Some are very round, some don't bathe, some are lean. Some jog (I personally find this disgusting.) I once knew a programmer who was losing his hair. He grew it real long in the back. He kind of looked like an orchestra conductor. When he ran by real fast it looked like the wind was blowing all his hair off the top of his head and down his neck. Man, it made him look fast. Fast and experiencing lots of G forces. Other engineers you back away from. Not because the sun shines from their ass, but because they stink to high heaven. To hell with smog checking their car, smog check them!
Not all engineers are men. In fact gender has no advantage in being clever in the software biz. There are some very smart women in them thar cubes. They code up a storm, drink Diet Coke, and play Duke Nuk'em. Most of them know how to dress better than the guys, except for the deadheads.
I don't agree with the Scoopmeister. You can't tell a Geek by his scowl. Stereotypes are dead. Then I see an email from our receptionist, "I need some strong men to move a refrigerator."
That Sexist Pig!
It's begun. The effects of Y2K have hit corporate America. Starting in October, large companies are locking down computers and not allowing any new software installations until after the new year. This way they can certify a machine and keep it stable while the rest of the world goes to hell.
It's probably a good idea to find out when your company is going to do this. That way you can get your Bald White Monkey screen saver (you know, the one that pops up every 5 minutes and says, "What do you think?") set up before the deadline. After the deadline installations will be a big offense.
One night while watching Zima: Malt Liquor Princess at 3 AM on WGN Chicago I thought what a great opportunity! You can break into your boss's office and install a really old version of Pac-Man, crash his machine, and get him in Dutch with IS. It's this kind of thinking that kept me out of the really good schools.
This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe
Newspapers Cause 99% of Paper Cuts!
Story on Page 47
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"Some day I'm going to learn to keep my mouth shut around here."
"I heard if you call the Betty Ford clinic and mention our company's name, they give you a 15% discount!"
"That's what happens when you're stupid."
"We should take away all their bottles of hair coloring."
"If you drill a hole in the bottom of your monitor and stick it on your head, things go much faster."
"Don't give him all our secrets!"
"I always like to get you when you're shooting up."
"It is when I'm most venerable."
"Can I talk to you?"
"Yes, after I find my lipstick... ... ... There! Panic Attack over."
Excuse Me
I have to go grab all the Diet Coke before the ladies in Marketing move the fridge.
Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 1999 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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