The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

your manager tells you to do what he needs, not what he told you to do.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

Jail Time and Management Exams.

But First, This Correction ...

Matt Taylor from Purdue University writes ...

Being the anal-retentive type, complete with O.C.D. tendencies, I note that in you last issue (crap9909) you said "..to get rid of the big dept they owe Fry's Electronics." I believe that you mean 'debt' unless I am terribly missing the point of the sentence. Do me a favor, don't paint the car, blow the fucker up.

Matt that's quite a request you've made. I'm not sure how Steph is going to take this. After all he's from Detroit where the weak are killed and eaten. And you know, he sleeps with that car. But since you carefully crafted your letter in the manner befitting someone who is paying way too much for his education, sure let's nuke it!

As my favorite author might write, "I shall, Master Taylor. And so fare thee well: Thou never shalt see Steph's car any more."

Jury Duty

Recently I had the honor of serving on a jury. Normally when people get a jury duty summons there's a audible groan. "But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters..." Not me. I've wanted to give it a whirl for a while.

This being Sillycon Valley, one expects something high tech.

Clerk: "The defendant is accused of not commenting his source code."

Me: "What? Hang him! No, hanging is too good for him! Make him do tech support! Give him 10 Remedy tickets! No, 50! No, 100! GIVE HIM A MILLION REMEDY TICKETS!"

Of course it was nothing so fun. Some guy was stupid and didn't fill out a piece of paper he is required to so now he has to go to jail. I guess he's not living La Vida Loca.

What I did find out was how to get off jury duty if you are called into the box for the 10 questions.

• First, tell them you don't believe in diamond lanes when they ask if there's any part of California law you don't agree with. You pay for them, you should get to drive in them!
• Admit that your Uncle Louis, an ex-police officer, is doing time for holding up a donut house.
• Every other word out of your mouth should be "Guilty!"
• When asked if you've ever been the victim of a crime, tell them your lawyer ripped you off and ran off with your woman. (This works really well if you are a woman.)
• If the defendant is not present (ours wasn't) ask what race they are.
• Tell them you have a schedule conflict. Your trial starts tomorrow.
• Tell the judge your Mom just went into the hospital and she's terminal. Begin to cry.

Are You Management Material?

For some strange reason, people think that in order to get ahead in this life, you have to go into management. If you think about it, it's like saying to get ahead in life, a bait salesman must become a gynecologist. Obviously, we're talking about very different skills. Usually when an engineer becomes a manager, the result is the loss of a perfectly good engineer creating products, and the gain of a really shitty manager screwing up productivity.

But in case you think you're up to the manager lifestyle, let's go through a few simple questions.

1. Are you always pushing your work off on co-workers telling them you're "delegating"?
2. Do you often talk about things which you have no expertise in?
3. Are you under the impression that your shit doesn't stink?
4. Is this your passport photo?
5. Are you an invertebrate?
6. Would you agree that re-writing the organizational chart is more fun than fishing?
7. Are you a Bald White Monkey?
8. Do you know how to rub elbows?
9. Are you now or have you ever taken a night course in butt kissing?
10. Do you believe that changing the statistics that are measured solves the problem?

If you answered yes to less than four of these questions, stay in engineering.

If you answered yes to five but less than eight, you might consider that butt kissing course.

If you answered yes to eight or more, start pushing people out of your way.

If you answered yes to eleven or more, you cheated. You either should be an engineer or a VP and Oppressor of the Working Class. We're not sure which.

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe

Computer Viruses Threaten to Take Over the World!!!

Leading Darwinist says viruses best users of the computers. Survival of the fittest means that humans will be wiped out!

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"I always talk before I think."

"The US uses colors that are light and airy."
"In Germany they use colors that are dark and Arian."

"You know it's a bad day when you forget the alphabet. Where is "F" again?"

"Hmmmm. Maybe I found it up your ass? When lighting farts, one must be careful of the backdraft."

"They've been around the sheep a little too long."

"It won't work so long as whatever's messed up is messed up."

"Linux sucks."

"If it ain't there, it ain't there."

"That's not fucking indicative of shit."

"Beer. The cause of, and solution to, all of of life's problems."

"Do you have an opposable thumb?"
"Uh ... no ..."

"This application is trying to help me out, but it's only slowing me down."
"Sounds like my ex-wife."

Excuse Me

I must post bail.

Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)

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