The Dictionary - I

I

1. The ninth letter of the alphabet. Originally taken from the Egyptian hieroglyphic symbol of a hand.
2. The letter missing from the word "teiam".
3. This letter is currently owned by Apple, Inc.

I Didn't Change Anything!

1. An aggrieved cry often heard as bugs manifest during a regression test.
2. Almost as good a lie as, "I'm going to leave my wife."

I Said So

1. Reason enough, according to Mom.

I Shit You Not

1. How a real man professes his honesty.

IBM

1. Inferior But Marketable
2. It's Better Manually
3. Insidious Black Magic
4. It's Been Malfunctioning
5. Incontinent Bowel Movement
6. International Business Machines

ICDS

1. Ice cream deficiency syndrome.

Ice

1. Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

Ice Cube

1. Exhausted, yet organized water.

Id

1. That part of the psyche that unconsciously makes demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs, like that candy bar you're eating right now.

Idea Hamsters

1. People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Ideologue

1. Typically, an obscure humourless zealot who finds fulfilment by spouting the ideas of famous humourless zealots.

Idiology

1. The science and study of idiots.

Idiot

1. Any person who fails to see your point in a discussion.

Idiot, Complete

1. No parts missing from the kit.

Ignert

1. (Southern) Not smart. See "Arkansas native."

Ignoranus

1. A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Ikea

1. Swedish for maze.

Illicit

1. Fun!

Imagination

1. Something that sits up with the wife when her husband is out late.

IMAO

1. In My Arrogant Opinion.

IMHO

1. In My Humble Opinion.

Immature

1. A word used by people who don't know how to have fun.

Immortality

1. A fate worse than death. --Edgar A. Shoaff

IMNSHO

1. In My Not-So-Humble Opinion

Impasta

1. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.

Impatience

1. Waiting in a hurry.

Impotence

1. Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
2. Emission impossible.

Impotent

1. Distinguished, well known.

Impotience

1. Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.

Impregnable

1. A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Inanities

1. A required class for a marketing major.

Incense

1. Holy smoke!

Incest

1. A sport the whole family can enjoy.

Income Tax

1. Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."

Indecision

1. Under the whether.

Independent

1. How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Index Finger

1. The one you use to flip off librarians.

Indifference

1. A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

Inertia

1. Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:
   • Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.
   • Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.
   • When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Infinite-Monkey Theorem

1. "If you put an infinite number of monkeys at typewriters, eventually one will bash out the script for Hamlet."
   See Infinite Monkey Protocol Suite.

Inflation

1. Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Information Center

1. A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.

Information Processing

1. What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.

Informed Source

1. The guy who told the guy you just met.

Inoculation

1. A prick to keep you feeling good.
2. Shooting up for health.

Inoculatte

1. To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Input

1. Whatever turns you on.

Input/Output

1. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Insane

1. Variant spelling of NSANE, see NAND
2. Abbreviation for Ph.D.

Insanity

1. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Inside

1. That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

Instant

1. An eternity that takes only a moment.

Intaxication

1. Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was already your money to start with.

Integrated Circuit

1. A circuit With black-and-white components.

Intellectual Snob

1. Someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger.

Intense

1. Where campers sleep.

Intercourse

1. Basic communication.

Interest

1. What borrowers pay.
2. What lenders receive.
3. What stockholders own.
4. What burned out employees must feign.

Interesting

1. A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

Interim Release

1. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

Internet

1. The best library in the world, but with all its books strewn across the floor.

Intron

1. A bit of your DNA that appears to do nothing. The Intron of a company is the Marketing Department.

Irony

1. Giving father a billfold for Christmas.
2. The Catholic Church providing marital advice.

Irrelevant

1. Taking an economics course, and you have no money.

Irritainment

1. Annoying but you can't stop watching. (e.g. the O.J. trial)

Irritating Habit

1. What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

ISDN

1. It Still Does Nothing!

I.T.

1. Customer Support without the common sense.

It's a Feature

1. From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

It Is In Progress

1. So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

Italic

1. The language spoken by ancient Italians.

iWhiner

1. A person who cries because after they bought a piece of technology, the price drops.