The Dictionary - L

Lab

1. A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.

Labor Pain

1. Hurt at work.

Laboratory Animals

1. Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.

Lady

1. A woman who closes the door to the bathroom when she pees.

Lake

1. Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

Language

1. The most important form of intercourse practiced by man -- next to sex.

Lap Top

1. Where little kids feel comfy.

LaPierre, Wayne (1948-

1. Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association who, when confronted with mass-killings made with assault rifles, advocated not the control of assault rifles, but the creation of a police state to prevent "bad guys" from killing people.

Las Vegas

1. Where good taste goes to die.
2. Cheesy done well.

Laughing Stock

1. Cattle with a sense of humor.

Laundress

1. A gown worn while sitting on the grass.

Law of Relativity

1. How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Lawyer

1. A person who goes in after the auditors and strips the bodies.
2. A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
3. A cat that settles differences between two mice.
4. The larval stage of a Politician.
5. Misspelling of the word, "Liar".

Layman

1. A fellow who frequents prostitutes.

Lecher

1. A stud with liver spots.

Leg

1. An appendage of the body. Most humans have two, which start at the ankles, and go all the way up to make an ass out of themselves.

Legal Secretary

1. Any girl over 18.

Lemonade Stand

1. Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of fifteen cents.

Lesbian Cocktail Lounge

1. A her-she bar.

Lettermen

1. Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.

Liberal Arts

1. See: "Would you like fries with that?"

Librarian

1. Library employee that assists library patrons with questions. Rumored to be extinct since none can ever be found.

Library

1. An organized collection of obsolete materials.

Library Director

1. A bureaucrat with a fancy title... but with little to do; how often do libraries get lost?

Lie

1. An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
2. Types
   • lies
   • dammed lies
   • statistics

Lieberman's Law

1. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Life

1. A continuous series of disasters which result in one's death.
2. A chronic terminal dissease.
3. Nature's way of keeping meat fresh.

Life, Real

1. The alternative to video games.

Life Insurance

1. A plan that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.

Light Bulb

1. A device which absorbs darkness.
2. What takes 17 Physists and a slide rule; or 5 Irishmen - 1 to hold the bulb and four to turn the ladder; or 3 MicroSoft technicians, two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet; or 5 academics, one to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modeling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work; or 2 Freudians, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis - uh - I mean, ladder; or 14 Oregonians, One to screw in the lightbulb, five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience, and another 8 to protest about the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it; or 1 teenage girl, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it; or 3 waitresses, 2 to stand around bitching about it and 1 to go get the manager to screw it in.

Like Kicking Dead Whales Down The Beach

1. Describes a slow, difficult, and disgusting process.

Lindbergh, Charles Augustus (1902-1974)

1. An American aviator who, on May 21 1927, discovered France.

Lingerie

1. Man bait.

Line

1. Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Linguist

1. A talented fellow who has mastered the ability to make mistakes in more than one language.
2. A person who can be misunderstood in many languages.

Lipstick

1. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.
2. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Liquidated Damages

1. A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

Liquior Nipples

1. The pour spouts bartenders put on liquior bottles.
2. Foreplay

Liquor Store

1. A stupor market.

Little

1. A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.
   • Buttload - A pantload and a half. An amount beyond containment.
   • Pantload - Two complete shitloads, equivalent to 2694 raises or 898 squats
   • Shitload - A very large quantity, equivalent to 1347 raises or 449 squats
   • Little - in fact the difference between little and damned little is too little to justify this space.
   • Damned Little - two squats, or five pittances, or 6 raises
   • Squat - Two and a half pittances, or three raises.
   • Pittance - a bit more than "You call this a raise?" but not much more.
   • You call this a Raise? - not worth mentioning at all.

Locomotive

1. A crazy reason for doing anything.

Log On

1. Makin' the wood stove hotter.

London

1. Where you learn how tired you are of life.

Look Out!

1. What is too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Loop, Endless

1. See Endless Loop.

Loquacious

1. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

LOS

1. Level of Slaughter. A scale measuring the ammount of violent push back you will receive when presenting a paper which disproves current dogma within a given organization.

Lottery

1. The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Albanian.

Lounge

1. Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only furniture that isn't soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen.

Love

1. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
2. The most slippery word in the human language -- used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the female of the species.

Love at first sight

1. What occurs when two extremely horny but not entirely choosy people meet.

Love Letter

1. A noose paper.

Lovers' Leap

1. The distance between two twin beds.

Low Bidder

1. A manufacturer's rep, who is wondering what he left out.

Luau

1. Hawaiian dinner theater.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology

1. There is always one more bug.

Lullabuoy

1. An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Lure

1. An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Lymph

1. To walk with a lisp.