The Dictionary - P

Pajamas

  1. Items of clothing that newlyweds place beside the bed in case of fire.

Palin, Sarah Louise (1964-

  1. The Alaskan who discovered Russia while standing on her front porch.

Pandemonium

  1. A housing development for pandas.

Panic

  1. What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.

Panties

  1. Not the best thing in the world, but the next thing to it!

Pantload

  1. A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.

Paper

  1. Tree squeezings.

Paper Clip

  1. The primary tool of an engineer. Common uses are ejecting disks from locked up Macintoshes or CD-ROM drives that don't want to give you your CD back, testing batteries, and prying staples out of things that shouldn't have staples in them. Not to be used to hold paper together.

Parable

  1. A heavenly story with no practical earthly meaning.

Paradise

  1. Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon.

Paradox

  1. Two physicians.

Paraffins

  1. Found on the sides of fish.

Paralyze

  1. Two far-fetched stories.
  2. Two untruths.

Paranoid

  1. A couple interrupted by a cop in lovers' lane.

Parasite

  1. A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm, a biographer, or a reporter.

Park

  1. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
  2. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Pascal

  1. A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Passenger (Airline)

  1. A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused, these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus and Paxus ignoramus.

Passing Tone

  1. Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.

Pathetic

  1. Your pitiful attempt to buy a rare kosher double cheese burger with bacon in India.

Pathological

  1. A reasonable way to go.

Patience

  1. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Peeping Tom

  1. A window fan.

Pencil

  1. A tiny tree used to draw a line in the sand.

Penicillin

  1. What to give a man who has everything.

Penis

  1. The male sexual organ which, incidentally, can also be used to write one's name in snow.

People Churner

  1. A bad boss who often is blamed when a company can't retain its key employees.

Percussive Maintenance

  1. Striking a recalcitrant piece of computer hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

Perfect Fifth

  1. A full bottle of Jack Daniels.

Perfect Wife

  1. One who is deaf and dumb, over-sexed, and owner of a liquor store.

Performance

  1. A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.

Performance Review

  1. The only week out of 52 where you pay attention to what your boss says.

Perky

  1. A person not smart enough to realize it's Monday.

Perot

  1. To quit unexpectedly, as in, "My cellular phone just perot'ed."

Perot, Henry Ross (1930-

  1. The gold standard to which crazy bastards are meassured.

Pessimist

  1. A man who feels that all women are bad.
  2. A person who complains about the noise made when opportunity knocks.

Pew

  1. A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PFMB

  1. Acronym for Poo-Flinging Monkey-Bastard. See: The Marketing Department.

Pharmacist

  1. Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture.

Ph. D.

  1. A degree which causes the bearer to proceed from cocksure ignorance to thoughtful uncertainty.
  2. Piled Higher and Deeper.

Philanthropist

  1. A man who in his waning years of life gives away in public the fortune he stole in private.

Phillips Screwdriver

  1. Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Philosophy

  1. Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
  2. A system of labeling and redefining our language to allow us to rescue the absurd.

Phone

  1. Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Physical Therapist

  1. A Sadist with a job.

Physics

  1. The operating system that runs the universe.

Piccadilly

  1. When just any dilly won't do.

Piece de Resistance

  1. A French virgin.

Pimp

  1. A nookie-bookie.

Pitch

  1. To grovel shamelessly.

Pittance

  1. A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.

Plaintiff

  1. Some whiner who gets out and measures every inch of that restraining order.

Planetary Nebulae

  1. A ring-shaped nebula formed by an expanding shell of gas around an aging star, such as Madonna's entourage.

Plant

  1. An organism which converts dirt into yard work.

Play-Doh-Masochism

  1. Sexual attraction to clay.

Poet

  1. An individual so in love with language who can, for the sake of art, survive any hardship -- except a misprint.

Pogonophobia

  1. The scientific term for fear of beards.

Poise

  1. Raising only one eyebrow on your first trip to the nudist camp.

Pokemon

  1. A Jamaican proctologist.

Political Moderator

  1. A guy who makes enemies left and right.

Politics

  1. From the greek POLY meaning many and TICKS meaning little blood sucking creatures.

Polyunsaturated

  1. A dry parrot.

Poo-Flinging Monkey

  1. The highest order of Marketing Executive.

Pornography

  1. The principle driver of technology.

Porridge

  1. Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Port

  1. Fancy wine.

Portable Computer

  1. A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Position Closed

  1. This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."

Poster

  1. An inexpensive way to decorate a dorm room while making people think you've been to foreign lands and done things you never have.

Postscript

  1. Grafitti on a pole.

Potholder

  1. What you don't want to be when the cops arrive.

Power User

  1. Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

Practicle

  1. The path of least resistance, as dull and unenlightening as that is.

Practical Nurse

  1. One who falls in love with a wealthy patient.

Prairie Dogging

  1. In companies where everyone has a cubicle, it's when something happens and everyone pops up to look.

Praise

  1. Letting off esteem.

Prayer

  1. When you talk to God. See Schizophrenia
  2. Talking to your imaginary friend.

Predicate

  1. In object-oriented grammar, a verb container.

Pregnancy

  1. Taking seriously something that was poked in fun.

Pregnant Pause

  1. The amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

Preheat

  1. To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed.

Prejump

  1. Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.

Pre-Law

  1. The major of a person who will end up in sales.

Premature Birth

  1. One that occurs before the expectant parents are well traveled and filthy rich.

Premium

  1. To pay extra. It doesn't mean you get more or better. You just pay more.

Prenatal

  1. When your life was still your own.

Prepared Childbirth

  1. A contradiction in terms.

Printer

  1. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
  2. Someone who can't write in cursive.

Priority

  1. A statement of the importance of a user or program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.

Prison Bling

  1. Handcuffs

Probability

  1. The odds of you getting laid; otherwise known as zero.

Procession

  1. The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Procrastination

  1. A method of work completion most often employed by students, it is taken to the level of an art form by its most adept practitioners. It requires good prioritization and time management skills, as well as a good relationship with a major deity (usually through frequent prayers and the occasional ritual sacrifice).

Proctologist

  1. A Doctor with his head up your ass.

Production Values

  1. Gore
  2. Explosions

Program Log

  1. A document, written in Sanskrit, which might give you a rough idea of what to do on the air, but usually doesn't.

Programmers

  1. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
  2. Red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Progress

  1. The process through which Usenet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals.

Project Manager

  1. The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

Prompt

  1. What you wish the mail was in mud season.

Pronoun

  1. A noun that has gone professional, and is no long qualified to participate in Olympic events.

Prophylactic

  1. What your dad should have bought more of.

Prostitute

  1. A busy body.

Protected Class

  1. Rank and file employees with critical job skills.

Protein

  1. An advocate of teen-agers rights.
  2. Lady of the street too young to vote.

P.T.A.

  1. Pigs, Trolls and Assholes

Public Library Building

  1. The tallest building in town ... it has more stories than any other.

Puck

  1. A small black disk used in ice hockey.
  2. Last week's left-over biscuit.

Pudmore University

  1. Go Fighting Testicles!

Puddle

  1. A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Puritan

  1. A man who no's what he likes.

Puritanism

  1. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having a good time.

Pylon

  1. What a nymphomaniac says at a nude beach party.

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