The Dictionary - S

Sadist

1. A person who gives a paralytic friend a self-winding wristwatch.

Safety Belt

1. The one you don't drink before driving home.

Salad Dressing

1. What makes eating a salad bearable.

Salesmanship

1. The difference between rape and rapture.

Safe Sex

1. It's sex the wife doesn't find out about.

Salmon Day

1. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.

Sarcasm

1. Quip lash.

Sarchasm

1. The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Saxons

1. The Germanic people who invented the saxophone.

Scandal

1. A breeze stirred up by a couple of windbags.

Scatologist

1. A guy who lost a bet in Med School.

Scheduled Release Date

1. In the software industry this carefully calculated date is determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

Schizophrenia

1. When God talks back. See Prayer

Schmooze

1. To befriend scum.

Schmuck

1. What everyone thinks a television director is.

School

1. A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for SPAM instead.

Sciatic Nerve

1. A pain in the ass.

Score Pad

1. A bachelor's apartment.

Screwed

1. 
   This guy has so much metal in his body, we take him to the local auto wrecking yard and give him rides on the magnet.

Screwing the Pooch

1. A term which originated with World War II American fighter pilots, and later used by post-war test pilots, astronauts, and then geeks in general. To screw the pooch means to make a fatal error. Famous pooch screwers include computer designer Gary Kildall, General George S. Custer, and Ted "Butterfingers" Harris the first known chainsaw juggler.

Scrotum

1. A small planet near Uranus.

Seagull Manager

1. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Seance

1. A meeting of a company's Executive staff.

Second Trimester

1. The time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"

Secret

1. Something you tell to one person at a time.

Secretion

1. Hiding anything.

Security

1. The false sense that you are safe.

Seed

1. (Southern) Past tense of "to see".

Segue

1. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Semantics

1. Pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before Mass.

Sensafunativity

1. That personality trait which enables optimistic persons to see the humor of any given situation.

Seoul

1. The capital of South Korea which, incidentally, has more Parks per capita than any other city in the world.

Serendipity

1. Looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the farmer's daughter.

Server Farm

1. 
   Where the computers come from.

Sex

1. The most fun you can have without laughing.

Sex, Aural

1. When you yell, "Fuck You!" at someone.

Sex Drive

1. Trying to find a motel that has a vacancy.

Shakespeare, William "Bud" (1564-1616)

1. Inventor of the word "eyeball".
2. Now, not to be.

Shallowness

1. The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.

Shebang

1. A girl who can't say no.

Sherbet

1. A tip on a horse race or sporting event.

Shin

1. The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

Shit

1. Post-Food
2. Left-overs

Shitload

1. A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.
   • Buttload - A pantload and a half. An amount beyond containment.
   • Pantload - Two complete shitloads, equivalent to 2694 raises or 898 squats
   • Shitload - A very large quantity, equivalent to 1347 raises or 449 squats
   • Little - in fact the difference between little and damned little is too little to justify this space.
   • Damned Little - two squats, or five pittances, or 6 raises
   • Squat - Two and a half pittances, or three raises.
   • Pittance - a bit more than "You call this a raise?" but not much more.
   • You call this a Raise? - not worth mentioning at all.

Shotgun Wedding

1. A case of wife or death.

Show Off

1. A child who is more talented than yours.

Shower

1. A device where falling water is used to clean the human body, and which WASPs exit before peeing.

Shower Head

1. What you can get in prison for two packs of smokes.

Shrinkage

1. What happens during a pyschotharapy session.

Side

1. To the left or to the right of center. If you're to the left, you're a red commie bastard. If you're to the right, you're a heartless money-grubbing bastard. If you're in the center, you're a spineless bastard who is too cowardly to take a side.

Sign

1. An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, restrooms, baggage claim, etc.

Siliwood

1. The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers also "hollywired".

Silk Worm

1. A gay invertibrate.

Simpson, Orenthal James "O. J." (1947-

1. A rental car spokesman on a quest to find the real killer (and his Heisman Trophy) in a Nevada state penitentiary.

SITCOM

1. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Skeleton

1. A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Skeptic

1. One who won't take know for an answer.

Ski!

1. A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" -- which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier

1. One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
2. A person who jumps to contusions.

Ski Stance

1. Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

Slacker

1. 
   Huh?

Slander

1. To lie about someone -- or tell the truth.

Slang

1. A language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
2. The one stream of poetry which is continually flowing outward.

Sleet

1. A slipcover.

Slideware

1. Imaginary things contained in a glossy presentation, or as used by the Economist: "glowing overhead presentations given by software salesmen that rarely deliver what they seem to promise".

Slipcover

1. Maternity dress.

Slogan

1. A good old American substitute for the facts.
2. Our modern commercial replacement for quality.
3. A politician's banner, often changed, but always held high above the voters' brains.

Slut

1. A woman who acts like a man.

Smart Ass

1. Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

Smile

1. Something that adds to your face value.
2. To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.

Snap-On Gasket Scrapper

1. Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

Snoutcasts

1. People who are banished from their workplace because of their smoking habit and huddle around outside doorways (snout is a prisoners' name for cigarettes).

Snow Job

1. Something a man uses to defrost a woman.

Soap

1. A device used to repel little boys from bath tubs, and which should never be dropped in a prison shower.

Sober

1. A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Socks

1. Condoms for your feet.

Soft Benefits

1. Nonmonetary enhancements.

Software

1. Them plastic eatin' utensils.
2. Executable computer code. whose features are a series of complete lies. The promised features will not be in the final product. The delivery date will be missed, sometimes by years. When it is complete the vendor will declare it obsolete and will want to sell you something new.

Soliloquy

1. Someone just going on and on.

Sombrero

1. Mexican shades

Something

1. Or something else. Could be moth balls, or kangaroo balls. It's something.

Son

1. The result of getting what you thought you wanted.

Sonata

1. What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.

Soufflé

1. A gassy casserole.

Spaghetti

1. Strained pasta.
2. What your dick looks like after you try to screw the vacuum cleaner.

Spamshi

1. Spam eaten right out of the can.

Spears, Britney

1. The other White Trash.

Specialist

1. A learned person who can name a horse in nine languages and buys a cow to ride.
2. A doctor with fewer patients than his colleagues but with a bigger yacht.

Spice

1. Substances of a vegetable origin used as preservatives and seasonings.
2. The plural of spouse.
3. On Arakis: worm shit.

Spice Rack

1. A great gift for any British housewife.
2. A boob job for a British Girl Band.

Spinster

1. An unlusted number.

Splintercourse

1. The sexual act in an outdoor setting.

Sport

1. The non-lethal alternative to war which, in most cases, involves kicking a ball, putting a ball into a goal, or possessing a ball. And, when fouled, holding your balls.

Sportscaster

1. A drooler who didn't make it.
2. A has-been who says the obvious to the never-been.

Sport Utility Vehicle (SUV) With 4-Wheel Drive

1. What Mom drives 3 blocks on level tarmac to buy groceries.

Spotted Dick

1. In the United Kingdom, a sponge pudding with raisins.
2. In America, symptoms of a sexually transmitted disease.

Spring

1. A time when boys feel gallant and girls feel buoyant.

Spring Break

1. When the nation's breweries go all out to teachĘanother generation how to throw up responsibly.

SQL Join Statement

1. Making your schema look like you actually thought it out.

Squad Car

1. A vehicle which conveys uniformed officers to donut shops.

Square Headed Girlfriend (boyfriend)

1. Computer

Squat

1. A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.
   • Buttload - A pantload and a half. An amount beyond containment.
   • Pantload - Two complete shitloads, equivalent to 2694 raises or 898 squats
   • Shitload - A very large quantity, equivalent to 1347 raises or 449 squats
   • Little - in fact the difference between little and damned little is too little to justify this space.
   • Damned Little - two squats, or five pittances, or 6 raises
   • Squat - Two and a half pittances, or three raises.
   • Pittance - a bit more than "You call this a raise?" but not much more.
   • You call this a Raise? - not worth mentioning at all.

Squirt The Bird

1. To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Staccato

1. How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.

Stagnation

1. A country of single men.

Star

1. A performer who makes more than his or her agent.

Starter Marriage

1. A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

State-of-the-art

1. Any computer you can't afford.

Static Electricity

1. The fastest thing in the universe going nowhere.

Sterilize

1. What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Stirrup

1. What you do with cake batter.

Stock Car Racing

1. Turning left for 200 miles, hoping not to get lost.

Stoic

1. De boid what brings de babies.

Storeroom

1. The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Straight

1. Without water.

Strategy

1. A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.

Stress

1. The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it.
2. When you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Stress Puppy

1. A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Strike

1. An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Stupid

1. The "Gifted" one in the Marketing Department.

Stylish

1. The latest, slightly re-colored piece of crap we want you to buy. Next week, it will no longer be stylish. (See Fashion)

Subsidy

1. A town underneath another town.

Suburban Husband

1. A gardener with sex privileges.

Subwoofer

1. A dog who scuba dives.

Suede

1. Sewing your jacket inside-out.

Suicide

1. The sincerest form of self-criticism.

Summertime

1. The season where there's nothing much on TV OR on the girls at the beach.

Sun Bathing

1. A fry in the ointment.

Suntan

1. A pigment of your imagination.

SUP

1. Standard Unit of Pain.

'sup?

1. A greeting.

Superego

1. That part of the psyche where the conscience keeps you from stealing candy from a small child. This comes from the moral training of society. Society -- it's always getting in the way!

Superstar

1. A performer who makes more than Guatemala.

Swiped Out

1. An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Sympathy

1. What one woman offers another in exchange for the details.

Synergies

1. What companies look for when they merge. A synergy is a position where one person is required in the newly merged company, but since the merger two people occupy the position. The result of synergies are a layoffs.

Synonym

1. A word you use when you can't spell the other one.

Syntax

1. What you pay in Las Vegas.

Syntax Error

1. Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

System Administrator

1. The person responsible for ensuring that a company's computer facilities are unusable except for when they want to print out naked pictures or play exciting network games like "Doom".

System Update

1. A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.