The Dictionary - R

Racehorse

1. An animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at one time.

Race Track

1. A place where windows clean people.

Raconteur

1. A blow-hard who keeps telling you the same anecdotes over and over again.

Radio Shack

1. The convenience store of electronics.

Raise

1. A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.
   • Buttload - A pantload and a half. An amount beyond containment.
   • Pantload - Two complete shitloads, equivalent to 2694 raises or 898 squats
   • Shitload - A very large quantity, equivalent to 1347 raises or 449 squats
   • Little - in fact the difference between little and damned little is too little to justify this space.
   • Damned Little - two squats, or five pittances, or 6 raises
   • Squat - Two and a half pittances, or three raises.
   • Pittance - a bit more than "You call this a raise?" but not much more.
   • You call this a Raise? - not worth mentioning at all.

Raisin

1. Grape with a sunburn.

RAM

1. The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.

Ramification

1. What made Mary have a little lamb.

Rampage

1. Section of a book about male sheep.

Rather, Daniel Irvin, Jr. (1931-

1. The only man Walter Cronkite despised.

Rats

1. (Southern) Entitled power or privilege.

Reactionary Judge

1. One you do not agree with.

Real Soon Now

1. When the software will be shipped.

Recessional

1. The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass -- led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Recessional Hymn

1. The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

Recipe

1. A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Recovery Room

1. A place to do upholstery.

Rectitude

1. The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he or she examines you.

Rectum

1. Damn near killed 'em!

Recursive

1. See recursive

Recycling

1. When the bartender brings another drink, and the straw is moved from the old drink to the new.

Red Blood Count

1. Dracula

Red Light District

1. Easy Street

Red Shirt, A

1. The expendable person in an organization. The origin comes from the 1960's televison program Star Trek. Security officers wore red shirts and were more likely to die than any other crewman. The captain, who wore a gold shirt, had the most sex.

Reel

1. A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Refactor

1. In software re-writing code to make it more efficient and readable. This practice has never taken root in Congress.

Reference Manual

1. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Refuse

1. What to do when the lights go out.

Regression Analysis

1. Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse.

Reintarnation

1. Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Relative Major

1. An uncle in the Marine Corps.

Relative Minor

1. A girlfriend.

Relative Quantities

1. How many people show up for Christmas Dinner.

Relatives

1. The people you are required to eat Thanksgiving dinner with. Just be thankful that you only have to do it once a year.

Relay

1. The second time around.

Reliable Source

1. The guy you just met.

Relics

1. People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.

Religion

1. The ultimate conspiracy theory.
2. The most-used excuse for going to war.
3. A method of controlling people.
4. The dominant psychosis on Earth.
5. You're free to do as you're told.
6. Holding on to the notion, against all observable facts, that magic is real.

Remote Control

1. Female Interpretation: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
2. Male Interpretation: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every two minutes.

Renovation

1. The renewing of your finances by use of a slot machine.

Reorientation

1. Getting used to work again.

Repeal

1. A stripteaser's encore.

Repeat

1. What you do until they just expel you.

Repressed

1. Sitting on one's inner demon to keep it decorously immobilized, as practised by lifelong Presbyterians or anyone who attempts to exchange pleasantries with a tyrannical boss.

Reputable Sales Representative

1. A man standing in the street - starving.

Research

1. To procrastinate indefinitely.
2. Discovering stuff other people have already figured out.

Resolution

1. Another way to describe the price tag on a monitor.

Resourceful Wife

1. One who prepares pit bar-b-que for dinner while waiting for the Fire Dept to arrive.

Restitution

1. A care facility for chronically exhausted people.

Retard

1. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

Retort

1. A pastry which has been thrown up.

Retreat

1. French for war.

Reunion

1. When you meet people your own age who all look a lot older than you.

Reverse Osmosis

1. Osmosis stuck in the wrong gear.

Revolutionary

1. An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.

Ribs 'n' Dick

1. A budget with no fat, as in "We've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades."

Riot

1. The language of the unheard.

Ritard

1. There's one in every family.

Rocky Horror Picture Show, The

1. Where sweet transvestites get their start.

Rod

1. An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

Room Service

1. The opposite of a drive through.

Rosh Hashanana

1. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

Running For Mayor

1. Shaking the hand of everyone in a room.

Rush Hour

1. When the traffic stands still.