The Dictionary - T

TA

  1. A small-minded, evil person who randomly decides your fate in college, usually a student with a degree in sadism and too much time on their hands.

Tablet

  1. A small table.

Taboo

  1. Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.

Tackle

  1. What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box

  1. A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Tact

  1. That rare ability to remain silent while your two best friends are arguing and you know they're both wrong.

T'ai Chi Ch'uan

  1. An Asian martial art which teaches the practitioner to defend himself against extremely slow-moving attackers.

Teacake

  1. A light bun with dried fruit.
  2. Can also be used as clay pigeons in skeet shooting.

Tailor

  1. An occupation that suits everyone.

Takes

  1. A stroke count of how many times it takes the television director to get something right.

Talent

  1. What everyone has but you.

Talking to Mute

  1. Speaking on the telephone, not realizing you pressed the mute button.

Tar

  1. (Southern) A rubber wheel.

Taste

  1. Female Interpretation: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
  2. Male Interpretation: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Tattoo

  1. Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Tatyr

  1. A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Taxes

  1. What the middle class pays the Government.

Taxidermist

  1. A man who mounts animals.

Taxpayer

  1. A person who resents that death and taxes don't come in that order.
  2. A person who doesn't have to pass a civil servants exam in order to work for the government.

Tchotchke

  1. Yiddish for worthless piece of junk.

Teacher

  1. A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Team

  1. A word missing an "i".

Tease

  1. A girl who is always thnking of a man's happiness -- and how to prevent it.

Technical Support

  1. A geographic area of the software company. It is located in the basement and is populated by trolls who are masters of Doom. The favorite game in Technical Support is "Penalty Hold."

Technocrat

  1. A Geek with an attitude.

Technology

  1. A progression of tools which become obsolete 30 seconds after you buy them.

Tee-See (T.C.)

  1. Of or pertaining to the Twentieth Century, hence: behind the times, pre-post-postmodern, overly impressed by technology, generally uncool.

Telemarketer

  1. A minimum waged person who calls a bunch of people on a list to sell them something that they probably don't need, and gets hung up on because the person being called usually has a mouth full of food.

Telephone Number Salary

  1. A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

Televangelists

  1. The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Television

  1. A hypnotic device that passively convinces people to buy stuff they don't need.
  2. The advertising appliance.

Television Audio

  1. Never mind. Nobody cares about this.

Television Director

  1. Somebody who can count backwards with authority and who owns a stopwatch.

Television Engineer

  1. Not much is really known about these, since there are so few in captivity. They work from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, and are not home on weekends. They also become invisible when called.

Television Producer

  1. Someone who owns a digital stopwatch.

Television Programming

  1. Material that fills the time between commercials.

Television Schedule

  1. A system designed to maximize your enjoyment of Big Time Television by having you spend most of your waking hours there.

Temper Tantrums

  1. What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Template

  1. A pattern used to accurately manufacture screw ups to specifications.

Tempo

  1. Good choice for a used car.

Ten Commandments

  1. The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

Tenure

  1. A year after nineure.

Terminal Illness

  1. Getting sick at the airport.

Terminal Velocity

  1. The speed at which a skydiver, whose parachute did not open, hits the ground.

Test

  1. The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
  2. A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

Testicle

  1. A humorous question on an exam.

Thesaurus

  1. Ancient reptile with excellent vocabulary.

Thingy

  1. Female Interpretation: Any part under a car's hood.
  2. Male Interpretation: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Third Trimester

  1. The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"

Thor

  1. Skiers' lingo for the Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Thoughtful Repose

  1. You in the seventh grade figuring how to get her bra off.

Thud

  1. That magic sound that means your brilliant evil plan to conquer the world, wasn't so brilliant after all.

Thunderstorm

  1. A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

Thursday

  1. How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day.

Tijuana

    The sister city of Marijuana.

Time

  1. All you really have.

Timing Light

  1. A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Tipping Point

  1. When your bloated product falls over and crashes.

Tire

  1. A tall monument.
    Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

Titillate

  1. A tardy meal for a breast-fed baby.

Titular

  1. Big title, no reason to exist. Sort of like middle-managers.

Tobasco Sauce

  1. A spicy hot sauce not to be mistaken for an enema.

Toe

  1. A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.

Toilet Paper

  1. The successor to the Hand, Leaf, and Corncob.

Tomorrow

  1. One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

Tongue

  1. A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Tootsie Roll

  1. An edible turd.

Toothache

  1. The pain that drives you to extraction.

Top Bunk

  1. Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Tough

  1. A bit more than difficult.

Toupalactic

  1. Another powerful birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question.

Tourists

  1. Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Tousers

  1. Pants one trouses in.

Toxic

  1. A worker with anti-management reputation who is often litigious.

Trade Relations

  1. What incestuous couples do at a family reunion.

Traffic

  1. A department within the TV station with the collective IQ of granite whose function it is to generate the Program Log.

Tragedy

  1. A bride without a can opener.

Trailer Parks

  1. Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.

Transistor

  1. A girl who used to be your brother.

Transmitter

  1. A big machine resembling an oversized refrigerator with meters. Standing close to a transmitter for more than one hour will cause your brian to malfunction. Standing close to a transmitter for more than two hours will turn you into a television engineer.

Transpositions

  1. Men who wear dresses.

Transvestite

  1. A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

Traverse

  1. To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. The second method is called "tree".

Treble

  1. Women ain't nothin' but.

Treeware

  1. Manuals and documentation.

Triple Bypass

  1. Better than a quarterback sneak.

Trouble Light

  1. The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of Vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

TSA

  1. Thousands Standing Around
  2. Touch Some Ass

Tuba

  1. A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

Tumor

  1. More than one.

Tweezers

  1. A tool for removing wood splinters.

12 O'Clock Flasher

  1. A person who is not technically savvy.

Twerk

  1. A desperate attempt to prove one is somehow relevant.
  2. To desperately attempt to save a foundering career.

Twilight

  1. All the difference between day and night.

Two

  1. Twice as much nothing as one.

Two-Minute Warning

  1. When the baby's face turns red and he begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

2000 Flushes

  1. What happens when 500 Gringos have a Mexican dinner.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist

  1. A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Typesetting

  1. An art of fiddling with it until it looks good.

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