The Dictionary - V

Valentine's Day

  1. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Valorous

  1. A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater.

Vanguard

  1. A person who protects trucks.

Variable-Rate Mortgage

  1. The carnival midway version of getting a loan. For the first three years, the rate will be low, then we'll spin the wheel of rates to decide how much you owe us for the next 27 years!

Vaseball

  1. A game of catch played by children in the living room.

Vegan

  1. An alien from the planet Lettuce.

Vegetarian

  1. Prey

Vein

  1. Conceited.

Vending Machine

  1. A coin-operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Ventriloquist

  1. A person who can speak out of both sides of a dummy's mouth.

Venture Capitalist

  1. A person bored with the idea of taking a million dollars to Las Vegas and putting it all on "Red." The venture capitalist instead takes the million and puts it into a startup company where the odds are much tougher.

Verbal

  1. Able to whine in words.

Verbal Constipation

  1. Having so much to say in such detail that you can't get any of it out of your mouth.

Viagra

  1. Wood restorer.

Vibration

  1. A motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Vibrator

  1. Your little plastic pal who's fun to be with.

Vice Squad

  1. A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the impression that they were invited to your dorm party.

Vicious Circle

  1. A wedding ring.

Victor

  1. Your football team's weekly opponent.

Victory

  1. A rarity; a three-syllable word that cheerleaders CAN spell.

Video

  1. Pictures. Without these, Big Time Television would be Big Time Radio.

Video Scope

  1. A green phosphorescent device used to lure and trap television engineers.

Video Switcher

  1. This is a piece of equipment on which all of the video sources are laid out in random order. Remember, if in doubt, take black.

Videotape

  1. Black stuff that works like film, but you can't see through it. Invented in the 1950s to give television engineers something to do.

Violence

  1. The ingredient which makes a movie worth watching.

Violinist

  1. A high-strung musician.

Virgin

  1. A girl who makes an issue out of a tissue.
  2. A girl who hasn't met her maker.
  3. A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace (A rare species, though).

Virtual

  1. Fake. As in Virtual Reality, the Presidential election of 2000, Micro$oft Secure Operating System. See also, "Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction."

Vise Grips

  1. Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Visionary

  1. An IBM employee who reads the outside literature.

Vista

  1. A grand view of nature.
  2. A grand bloating of software.

Vitamins

  1. An organic compound vital to nutrition that cannot be created by the body.
  2. A method of pissing your money away.

Vodka

  1. What potatoes aspire to become. Potatoes who fail are known as French Fries.

Volcano

  1. A pimple on the Earth's surface.

Volcanology

  1. The study of Leonard Nimoy.

Vote

  1. To choose the lesser of evils.

Voting

  1. The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone.

Vulcanism

  1. The study of Spock.

Vulnerable

  1. Female Interpretation: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
  2. Male Interpretation: Playing ball without a cup.

Vuvuzela

  1. An African horn used to torture television audiences.

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