The Dictionary - W

Wake

  1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
  2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.

Wall Street

  1. Where they rob you with a handshake.

Walmart

  1. American for "Made in China"

War

  1. A fight between nations. Ususally over someone's wife. (See Troy.)

War, Religious

  1. A fight between nations over who has the best imaginary friend.

Warehouse

  1. What you ask when you're lost.

Was

  1. Was not.

WASP

  1. White Anglo Saxon Protestant - One who gets out of the shower to pee.

Water

  1. A transport mechanism.
  2. When mixed with certain salts, the universal solvent.

Water Buffalo

  1. A bovine used to convert vegetation into labor and water buffalo shit.

Waterproof Mascara

  1. Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Water-boarding

  1. Aggressive washing of the prisoner's face.

We Are Making A Survey

  1. We need more time to think up an answer.

Weather Forecaster

  1. See: Lying son-of-a-bitch.

Weaker Sex

  1. The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

Webliography

  1. A bibliography of web sources.

Webnesia

  1. The act of loading a web browser, then instantly forgetting the site you were going to visit.

Wedding Ring

  1. A one-man band.
  2. A tourniquet worn on the finger to cut off circulation.

Weed

  1. A plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

Weekend

  1. Two-day period during which your growling stomach makes you really wish you'd signed up for a seven-day meal plan.

What?

  1. The second word a Convenience Store Worker learns. Our conversation continues...
    YOU: I'd like change for a dollar.
    HIM: Huh?
    YOU: I said, I want change for a dollar.
    HIM: What?
  2. A pronoun used to either exclaim or query.

White Supremacists

  1. The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.

Whiteboard

  1. The racist replacement of the blackboard.

Whitworth Sockets

  1. Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Whiz Kid

  1. Your college nickname. But not for the reason people think.

Whodunit

  1. None of the kids that live in your house.

Wholesale

  1. Where a gopher goes to buy a home.

Whoops

  1. An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Wiener

  1. The first to cross the line in a Mexican horse race.

Wife

  1. The woman who stands by her husband through all the trouble he wouldn't have had if he had stayed single.

Wife-Swapping

  1. A type of sexual fourplay.

Will

  1. A dead giveaway.

Will of the People

  1. Used only when the public votes your way. Acceptable method of denying constitutional rights of minorities. Never used when public opinion is against you.

Willy-Nilly

  1. Impotent.

Window Dresser

  1. A girl who doesn't pull down the shades.

Windows

  1. The Gates of hell.
  2. The Fisher Price version of the Macintosh OS.

Windows 95

  1. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Windows Vista

  1. Too little, too late.

Windellas

  1. Name of the circus family you can run away and join when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card.

Winter

  1. The season when a gentleman befurs a blonde.
  2. When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks in.
  3. The time of year when it gets later earlier.

Wire Wheel

  1. Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

Witch

  1. A woman with a really good collection of soup recipes.

Womb

  1. The sound of an elephant farting in a cave.

Words, "Dirty"

  1. The fun ones.

Work-Study

  1. Two things not done by a majority of students.

World

  1. Something extremely large. A thing so large that if you had everything, this is where you would keep it.

World War II

  1. The second half of World War I.
  2. The original sequel.
  3. The greatest arms development program ever.

World Wide Wait

  1. WWW

Wrinkles

  1. Something other people have. You have character lines.

Wristwatch

  1. That device on your arm that lets you know which class you're currently late for.

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