IRIS OUT:
EXT. SPACE
The silence of the cold vacuum of space is interrupted by the hum of engines. The Starship Enterprise flies by.
INT. BRIDGE
COMMANDER DATA leads the night watch bridge crew. He is playing Solitaire on one of the arm rest displays of Picard's chair. LT. CANNONFODDER wakes up to notice a blinking light on the Ops dashboard.
CANNONFODDER
(Surprised)
What the hell? It's not time for me to wake up.
(eyes bug out)
Commander, deflectors just came up!
DATA
What is out there?
CANNONFODDER
It appears to be a construct of passionate logic!
DATA
Red alert! All hands to battle stations! Captain Picard, wakey wakey!
INT. PICARD'S QUARTERS - NIGHT
JEAN-LUC PICARD is fast asleep, dreaming those little Captain dreams. The pulsating glow of the alert doesn't disturb him. Then, the audible KLAXON begins.
DATA
(O.S.)
Captain Picard, wakey wakey!
Picard rolls over and hits the button to his alarm clock. The klaxon continues. An unfamiliar male hand reaches over and touches the same button, and all is quiet.
MONGO
(O.S.)
Jean-Luc. Wake up.
(A beat)
Jean-Luc...
Picard stirs to looks at the stranger.
CLOSE UP - ME
I sit on the edge of the bunk as Picard silently looks at me.
MONGO
Jean-Luc, you're boring me.
WIDER
Picard gives me a strange look.
PICARD
What? Who are you?
MONGO
I'm the audience.
PICARD
I don't understand.
MONGO
I'm your very reason for existence. Without me you have no purpose.
Picard gets out of bed.
PICARD
Who sent you? Q?
MONGO
Get real. Don't you think the "Q" scenario has been played to death?
PICARD
Then this is a hallucination caused by a malfunction of the holodeck.
MONGO
Oh geez! The holodeck! Can't we just lob a photon torpedo into the holodeck?
Picard begins to speak again.
MONGO
Nope, it's not because you're secretly Wesley Crusher's father.
Picard tries to speak yet again.
MONGO
Nope, the anti-matter pods are just fine. I'M BORED!
Picard sits, begins to drink some tea.
MONGO
You've done everything. It's over.
PICARD
It's over?
MONGO
It's over. There's just one more thing for you to do.
INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE
The senior staff is assembled. DATA is giving a presentation.
DATA
At ten thousand feet, the Collabra shields will burn up. At five thousand feet, the antimatter containment fields will collapse.
RIKER
Captain, you really want us to destroy the Enterprise because someone is bored?
PICARD
We are an unwilling part of a great injustice. Millions of people are having the same crap rehashed at them over and over.
GEORDI
Like the last movie. We just did the Borg thing all over again.
PICARD
And in doing so, we trashed the name of Zefran Cockeran. In fact, we turned him into a real wuss. Number One, make it so.
EXT. SPACE
The Enterprise rushes towards the sun.
INT. BRIDGE
The bridge crew are at their stations.
DATA
Sir, we are nearing the breakaway point.
WESLEY CRUSHER materializes.
WESLEY
Did I miss anything?
PICARD and RIKER stand to greet the Boy Wonder.
PICARD
Any time you're ready, Mr. Data.
RIKER
We could use a hand. Wes, report to torpedo tube three.
DATA
Engaging thrusters ... now!
The bridge shudders, people fall out of their chairs.
PICARD
That's the last time we do that stupid effect.
EXT. SPACE
The Big E whips past the sun.
INT. BRIDGE
For some reason, everyone has decided to take a nap on the floor. People begin to wake up.
PICARD
Where are we, Mr. Data?
DATA plays with his dashboard a little.
DATA
We are rapidly approaching Earth, sir. The year is 1998.
PICARD
Fire!
EXT. SPACE - ENTERPRISE BOW
A torpedo is fired.
EXT. SPACE - TIGHT ON WESLEY
WESLEY CRUSHER is hurling through space towards Earth. He would scream something obscene, but FINALLY in Star Trek we will observe the vacuum of space and the SILENCE it demands.
INT. BRIDGE
PICARD has a smug look of satisfaction on his face.
PICARD
Well ... that was fun. Now, Number One, where is this Paramount Studios?
RIKER
Los Angeles, sir.
PICARD
Los Angeles ... that's where the freeways were?
RIKER
Yes, sir.
PICARD
Take us in.
RIKER
Lock and load, Geordi!
TROI
(Off Screen)
Captain?
Picard turns to discover TROI working a "Kiss the Counselor Good Bye" kissing booth. There's a very long line.
TROI
Could I have a few more hours?
PICARD
Counselor, I want to see you, in my Ready Room.
EXT. AIR FORCE BASE
A klaxon is HOWLING in the background. Men and women are running in all directions. LT. SPLAT runs out of a building half-dressed. He finds his friend LT. LUCKY.
SPLAT
What's happening?
LUCKY
Incoming. Where's your shirt?
SPLAT
Well, uh ...
LUCKY hands him a red T-shirt.
LUCKY
Never mind, put this on and get to your plane.
EXT. AIR FIELD
Several fighters take off.
EXT. SKY
The Enterprise is breaking through the atmosphere straight down. Fire is deflecting off the bow.
INT. FIGHTER COCKPIT
SPLAT looks up from his radar screen.
SPLAT
Holy Mother of Pearl!
LUCKY
(Over Radio)
Splat, get out of there!
The fighter is buffeted as if by strong turbulence.
EXT. SKY
The Enterprise has grabbed the tiny plane with a tractor bean and pulls it into the starship's path. The fighter hits the shields and explodes.
INT. BRIDGE
The crew is being shaken, but are not stirred. TROI is smoking a cigarette.
PICARD
The tradition begins.
DATA
Fifteen thousand feet! Collabra shields failing.
EXT. SKY
We're looking straight down upon Paramount Studios. The Enterprise whizzes past towards the ground.
EXT. PARAMOUNT STUDIOS
A squeaky LITTLE GUY is running after a BIG GUY.
LITTLE GUY
It's kind of like Kung Fu in outer space. Worf is Grasshopper, and Quark is Master Po.
BIG GUY
Are you out of your mind? Kirra is Grasshopper and O'Brien is Master Po.
The two look up and a loud ROAR from above.
WIDE
The Big E hits its mark. The engines blow up, sending out a massive fireball which vaporizes all of Paramount Studios.
INT. MOVIE THEATRE
The large audience CHEERS as a mushroom cloud lifts up from the remains of the studio. The movie screen fades to black and credits begin to roll. The audience begins to stand a leave. I am still seated. C3PO leans over.
C3PO
Pardon me sir, but what did you think?
MONGO
It was a little slow in the middle.
C3PO
I had a bad feeling about it.
IRIS IN:
END
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