The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

you show up for morning parade wearing a thong.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

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In This Issue...

In commemoration of General Zaragosa kicking French ass at Puebla, Mexico on Cinco de Mayo 1862, I will not mention in this column that I have stopped going to Taco Bell because they are watering down the beans. That might just be seen as another crafty form of negative campaigning in this Presidential year. I'm going to go beyond the negative campaign and embrace our Mexican neighbors to the south. For Cinco de Mayo 2000, the rest of this column will be in Spanish.

Yes, Sir!

I mentioned a few months ago that I had an "acting manager". I think this title was required under the truth in advertising laws. Well the actor has left stage right. He is now appearing in the "Off Broadway" production of The Nutty Professor.

Replacing the Best Supporting Actor, we have a new guy who is for lack of a better word "permanent" (until of course he is replaced, or gets Sudden Traumatic Undermined Potential/Insane Density (STUPID)). The new guy I wasn't so sure about. He was introduced with lots of mention of his background in Marketing. Behind me I heard a hushed voice say, "Marketing? Marketing is for idiots!"

Then we found out his sordid past. "... and he is a retired Brigadier General in the United States Army."

"Huh?" I thought. My hand shot up. "Question up front!" He pointed at me. "Have you killed anyone?"

"In two wars!" the Brigadier said with pride.

I thought to myself, "Self, I think I can work with this guy! First I'll tell him how great everything is, then I'll slip the department metrics on his desk and watch him go kill the slackers."

"About you slackers who aren't pulling your weight," he beat me to the punch. "There will be extra doc review for those not cutting it."

Hmmm, that'll piss them off. Doc review sucks! I don't have to do it any more because I used to mark up my copy with all new verbs. Tech Writers hate that.

The Brigadier has started making his changes. Now we have morning calisthenics which I get out of by drinking a bottle of IBC Root Beer during my drive in. We also parade through the building in our underwear, but I'm rather enjoying it. Especially since we've started hiring more women!

Not a Moving Experience

The other big deal that I'm not particularly happy about is that WTHAIS has moved out of our beautiful digs on Castro Street in Mountain View. The Scoop Meister was heart broken. I think his kid will only be able to go to junior college now that I'm not there for my daily servings of "Ridiculously More Chocolate Than Should Ever be Put in Ice Cream" Ice Cream. I also heard the chili dog stand went out of business. I loved Castro Street, especially in summer when the ladies wore their "Summer Wardrobe". Our new digs do not compare at all. It's been described by one person as the "Colon of the Bay Area". I refer to it has the Swamp Planet of Dagobah.

Dagobah, as you'll remember, is the South of London suburb where The Empire Strikes Back was shot. It's all swamps and unstable ground, much like our piece of bay fill. We are going to be the first to die in the next big earthquake. Sometimes, when the sun is at the right angle you get a beautiful sight, if you are in the CEO's office. His view looks like this.

However, I have a very different view being on the west side of the cube farm. My view looks something like this.

In case you're wondering, no that's not mud on the window.

Why the town of Redwood Shores is considered a "desirable" location has yet to be revealed to me. My 5 minute leisurely commute down El Camino Real has now turned into the 60 minute fight up US 101. Step outside our building for a snack, and you need to get into your car to find food and Diet Coke. About all you can say for it is it's ain't East Palo Alto.

Perhaps what is worth noting
is that I am close to Bob.

Just a mere two swamps and a thicket away. Perhaps that's the silver lining in this slimly mud hole. Once again it is practical for me to go to his building and paint up a parking place just for him.

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Presidential Candidates Appear Together in Production of "The Wizard of Oz"!

Campaigns Desperately Looking for a Can of Oil and a Brain.

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"Why don't we just hit it a lot harder?"

"I guess I'm one of those half empty glasses."
"All glasses will be half full until further notice."

"I don't profess to know anything."

"Maybe the code was never checked in?"
"No, that's too frightening to contemplate."

"Pet the rat and shut up!"

"I'm an incomplete idiot!"

"You can tell these cookies have a lot of chemicals because they've been sitting out over night and they are still soft. That's a quality cookie."

"I'm going to use it, and I don't care where I got it!"

"I've never really pushed the fishy before."

"Now it really sucks to be you!"

"It was a standard management offsite. Nothing got done."

"I believe large corporations have the ability to actually suck the life out of humans....."

Excuse Me

I need to go buy a manager pinata for our party.

Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2000 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.

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EOJ

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