Rocketman
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The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You know you're screwed when...
people half your age have way too much control over your life.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
Attack of the Pimply-Faced Youths
Harold Peterson writes...
Rocketman
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Are you planning on having your one child? If not, what's the asking price for your child credit?
-Harold
You know, Rocketman, your ideas are way too good for government work. I'm thinking of putting my child credit on eBay. I bet I could get enough money for a year's worth of Diet Coke. But would that violate their "No Human Trafficking" policy? Next time I see Meg Whitman, I'll ask. But I'll have to figure out how to explain this in single-syllable words. She doesn't strike me as particularly bright. I could be wrong.
Tristan Farnon (not sure which regeneration he's on at this point) popped up after a decade and a half and said...
Tristan
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Dear sir,
According to my watch, I've been enjoying your posts for approximately 23 years.
I'm including time spent on Crumal's Dimension, assorted emails at Netscape, and RSS feeds of LowComDom.
It still feels great to read your latest bits and pieces.
Hugs, etc.
Your old pal Tristan.
Tristan,
I deeply apologize. That's an awful lot of life you've wasted reading my drivel.
P.S. You're not counting Affordable Computer's BBS? Flash Mac will be so hurt.
P.P.S. Can I please have my video tapes back that I loaned you in 1995?
I'm sick of the "news" sites running stories that look interesting only to serve up a page that is 70 percent ads, and the "story" is geared to get you to click on two more links to "stories" which are also 70 percent ads. I'm talking about you Yahoo News. That's not the internet by me for me.
P.S. Your current ad campaign isn't going to save your ass.
Maybe I Should Just Start Shoplifting
I was in the Apple store trying to buy a battery for my 3ish-year-old 15-inch MacBook Pro. I marched in, picked up the box I think contains the part I need, notice the part number has changed, and decide I better get some clarity before I leave.
The Apple store doesn't have a cash register you walk up to anymore. Instead, wandering boffin wannabes are supposed to swing in and provide on-the-spot help and check out services. The trouble is, the pimply-faced youths appear to steer away from old farts like me. The guys are steering towards women their age. (If they make a sale, they might even get her number.) The women, are just steering towards other 20-somethings.
This is one of those times when my cloaking device kicks in without my hitting the switch. I'm completely invisible to the store staff. I could stand on one of the tables and wave my credit card and no one would take notice.
I said aloud, "I can't get arrested in this store." And then I think, "Well... then why pay?" I mean when they do wait on you, they swipe your card through a reader and email you the receipt. As you walk out, you have no proof that you paid. So...
About that time all of the women customers had left the store, and the pimply-faced youths had no choice but to take notice of me. The cloaking device had kicked off, and I was waited on.
Turns out the store staff didn't know if this was the correct battery for a three-year-old computer either. (I mean who uses such ancient hardware?) No matter, Apple has the best policy on returns. I paid for my stuff and walked out, noting to keep the bag for future shoplifting adventures, just in case the cloaking device works at Christmas.
Don't ignore me, Apple. I will get that entire store in my bag!
Round two of the prototype has come to an end. All top-level and a lot of the second level pages are complete. The next level down is all quicksand.
I mentioned Balsamiq last month. This is a wireframing tool that quickly lets you work out ideas in a very inexpensive way. I'm switching over to it in round three. The goal of this round is to re-think the navigation. It's become apparent that the tertiary navigation has fallen apart.
With the wireframing tool, I'll work on some ideas, export the better tries to .png files which I can contain in simple web pages that are integrated into the prototype. The point is to be able to work through a lot of ideas without a bunch of code getting in the way. You'll probably see some of the .png files as placeholders until I replace the better tries with real code.
You can watch the development of the prototype at www.lowcomdom.com/prototype. If you have any comments, I'd be interested in hearing them. You can reach me at fek_lar@yahoo.com.
I go to a gym about four times a week. It's not because I'm into fitness. It's because my dues are real cheap, and they have a hot tub. Using their hot tub means I don't have to buy one and clean it.
I was trying to work out a problem with my membership (Because I had paid my dues at the counter, but the pimply-faced youth never put it in the computer.) and was getting ready to hurl.
There were four pimply-faced youths behind the counter. There was enough work for one and a half. (It's always fun sawing them up!) Rather than doing any work, the three not helping me get to the bottom of my membership problem were all discussing their body mass index. There's just no way to discuss this subject in public without sounding completely superficial. Why don't they just go put on their Ken and Barbie clothes? Meanwhile, could the pimply-faced youth who screwed up my membership, please go work for my competition?
This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.
Michelin Man Catches Disease!
Didn't Wear A Rubber
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"I like really stupid ads. Let's get the people who do Geico to do ours. We can use the money we saved."
"What did we learn today? You're Swedish, and you need to be cleaned."
"That's how we do it now."
"No, that's how we do it wrong now."
"My boss died when he aspirated a stale pretzel during the harassment training."
"I thought the entire meeting was a series of farts."
I need to see if I can stretch a white plastic Apple bag over a 45 inch monitor.
Fek'Lar
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!
Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.
From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people from the Christian Right.
This whole mess is copyright © 2009 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
feed available from http://www.lowcomdom.com/crapolla/index.xml
EOJ
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