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The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You know you're screwed when...
Santa decides you're a lousy coder and only gives you decaffeinated Diet Jolt.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
Some nice holiday cheer from yours truly. So settle down by the fire, and crack open a Diet Coke - suckers!
Profitprotector Limited looking for highly knowledgeable and very skilled full-time PHP developer for $1500 / month.
Holy Sheep Dip! They want God for minimum wage!
Doesn't it kind of suck that layoff season is right after Halloween? Trick or Treat, here's your pink slip. The two layoffs I was particularly interested in was over at Big A, and right here at WTHAIS.
Big A killed off about 9 percent of their work force. I still know quite a number of people over there, and a few of them even answer my phone calls. Luckily, both my sister and the Twinkee kept their jobs.
Danny Ocean gave us a little hint at the quarterly all-hands meeting. He mentioned cost-cutting, and that he wasn't going to have one more employee than he needed. Oh, there was much whispering and biting of fingernails by several people. Four days later, wham!, 12 percent reduction. But here's the good news! Not one executive lost their job! Whew!
You know all those people in India I went over and trained a few years back? Yeah, they're gone. That was the surprising part of this RIF, most of it happened in India. There was only one person on that team that I ever thought truly replaced the person whose job she took. The rest were inconsistent wannabes. But that's not why we dumped them.
There were two reasons we dumped jobs in India. First, there was a simple choice made by my Director. He was told to cut costs, and decided he couldn't live without the group here, but could live without them. Unfortunately, the Director who saved my job, wasn't able to save his own. I'm pretty bummed about that. He's a good guy.
Second, the engineering group in Bangalore had become very expensive for the amount of output. In other words, they just weren't productive enough. I knew that salaries in Bangalore were experiencing double-digit inflation. It pretty much negated the reason to go there. Welcome to the ugly side of globalization boys and girls!
There were others in The Valley who were let go. One lady refused to leave. They had to frog-walk her out. I saw her in the lobby the next morning sobbing. Besides losing her job, she had left personal files on her machine, and the company had locked her out. I've said it many times in many venues, your crap should not be on the company's computer. This is just one reason why.
So happy holidays! I'm sure Corporate America has a few more surprises up its sleeves for us. Remember, it's not about whether or not you're going to get screwed, it's about whether they kiss you first!
Enough of This E Pluribus Unum Crap! Let's Put The Truth on Money!
Well, we're finished stuffing our faces, so it's time to get out there and buy some crap no one really wants! This is where you dig your local shopping mall out of the red and onto profitability.
Truth be told, I'm not a very good American. I don't play this game. I didn't leave the house on Black Friday. I didn't do anything online on Cyber Monday. Most of the stuff they're selling is just a bunch of crap I don't want or need. I don't give a crap about fashion, and so I'm not replacing clothes that aren't worn out. And I hate to break it to you Dear Leader, but I don't need any more computers this year.
I know most of you are really into this; and it bothers me. I keep hearing about people who are up to their gills in credit card debt. Or others who think using their debit card is the answer to everything. It's not. What happened to dear old cash? Oh, that's right, to spend cash you actually have to have cash. That's the problem with our dumbass economy.
The economy is dependant upon people who don't have money spending on stuff no one really wants in the last quarter of the year to bail out retailers who can't sell that crap at any other time of the year. People feel guilted into this behavior.
One of my young cousins this year very bravely wrote to everyone and admitted that she and her husband were broke, and asked that we forego the gift-giving. Good for her! She's realized that the 20 percent+ interest rates are a bad deal just for the 5 seconds of disbelief you see on a person's face as they unwrap the fake rubber dog shit you bought them.
But others feel different than I. They don't feel the season without all the hype, and stuff. It's not the thought that counts, it's how many gifts you get. This has been going on since the 1950's (before you were born). The Mad Men started telling us that we deserved everything we ever wanted. By the 1960's (still before you were born) we were hooked, and then they whipped out the plastic buy now, pay later culture. This is when it all started going to hell. Now, there's not much holding our economy together, except you continuing to go into debt.
I think it's time we change our currency. I think we should tell the Bureau of Printing and Engraving to stop printing Federal Reserve Notes, and the mints should stop pounding out coins. Let's just change America's money to a plastic card. While we're at it, let's change our motto. E Pluribus Unum is just a bunch of crap. We're not in this together, just look at the stampede on Black Friday morning. Our new motto should be More is Better. I think that better describes our over-consumption lifestyle.
Here's your card with a nice picture of a kitty on it and the words More is Better in big bold letters inspiring you with confidence and purpose. Get out there Sparky and run it up, because if you don't, the commies terrorists win!
This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.
Tiger Woods Signs New Endorsement Deal!
Say "Hello" to Trojan Man!
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"Thank you for painting for me a perfect picture of a shit hole!"
"I don't have accurate information. I'm a Sales Engineer!"
"I just waited 45 minutes on hold to talk with the IRS."
"Did you tell them not only are you a customer, but a stock holder and that you aren't happy with their service?"
"No, I want them to leave me alone."
"I like women with clean bodies and dirty minds."
"I'm cut off at the bar. Can I finish your beer?"
Where's the mail-order catalog?
Fek'Lar
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!
Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.
From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people from the Christian Right.
This whole mess is copyright © 2009 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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EOJ
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