The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You know you're screwed when...

Your company's name is Kodak.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

Figuring out Norman's protocol

Take A Letter

Harold Peterson
Rocketman
file photo

Harold Peterson writes...

Hey, this is Harold. The Agile method sounds a lot like something I've worked with before called Earned Value Management. It seems to work well when employees want to work on a product/service forever without actually developing an end product, and poorly when employees are already motivated to develop something for the reasons you've already listed in last month's writeup.

-Harold
Huntsville, AL

Hey Harold,

That explains STS-26!

Peacan Pie on Me,

Fek'Lar

Take Another Letter

Anonymous in Seattle writes...

Fek,

You're right about Agile projects not having documentation. I asked a Product Manager about our lack of docs. He told me that no company does software documentation anymore. (Has he ever read the Microsoft Knowledgebase?)

The next day, our most senior developer complained about an un-documented limitation in Apple's IOS. I felt like replying that Support is used to dealing with products engineers refuse to document. I decided to keep my job instead.

Sincerely,

Anonymous in Seattle

You coward! Here was your one chance at geek immortality, and you decided to keep your job. Now find that old email and tell the engineer he's a cry baby. Tell him to use the force, or say "This isn't the documentation you're looking for." But for Zarquan's sake, grow a pair!

Hugs and Kisses,

Fek'Lar

And Another Thing About Star Trek...

Remember an episode called I, Mudd? Sure you do, it's been rerunning for 45 years. That's the one where an android named Norman took control of the Big E and took it to a planet entirely populated by androids and a small-time criminal named Harry Mudd. We had met Mudd in a first season episode.

Mudd had sent Norman to hijack a ship so he could get off of the planet by giving the androids 430 new people to serve. But the androids pulled a fast one and decided to take the ship to populate other planets and pacify the galaxy. At the end of the story, the androids were knocked out by a logic bomb. Kirk told Norman that everything Harry said was a lie, then Harry told Norman that he was lying. Smoke came out of Norman's ears, and all the androids tilted.

This was a far-thinking episode. Yes, it was played for camp, but I, Mudd predates Cylons with a population of skin-jobs of a few models, and many copies. I, Mudd has this same element, and I wonder if the producer of Galactica, who had been an producer of later Trek series, remembered this episode when putting together his reboot.

But that aside, when I was thinking of I, Mudd, something came to mind, Norman wasn't running UNIX! Think about it. If you have a runaway program on a UNIX machine, the kernel just writes it out to a core file, and terminates the process. The machine stays stable. Norman did the equivalent of a blue screen of death (literally). Norman was the primary domain controller.

In all fairness, this episode was aired in 1967 before anyone outside a research lab knew about UNIX, which made its debut in 1969 (before you were born). Even so, the lesson of the episode is clear, be very careful what OS your AI creatures use. Otherwise you may not get the droids you were looking for. Just Sayin'.

What Protocol is Prayer?

From time-to-time, I'm asked to interview job candidates. Usually, the hiring manager wants someone technical to give the candidate the once over to make sure they know all the BS they put on their resume. I do that, but I also want the company to hire people who can think, so over the years I've come up with interview questions designed to expose the candidate's analytical skills.

In the 90's, I used to ask people to tell me why you couldn't eat at Taco Bell 5 days a week. I got all sorts of answers about gas build up, and it not being healthy. No one ever said the right answer, but that was OK. The question was designed to expose your ability to think on your feet. In fact, after I explained the question to HR, they gave their official approval. (The official answer to this question is that you can eat at Taco Bell 5 days a week, but you have to bring your own Diet Coke, because they only serve the other stuff.)

I've just come up with a new one. Tell me, when praying, which protocol you use. I have an answer in mind. But it's not required that the candidate tell me my answer, they have to be able to defend their answer.

My answer? It's UDP. Do you know why?

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Emergency Plumbers Rushed to Vatican!

Spokes Bishop says, "It happens after every Christmas party."

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"I think of a restraining order as a reason to try harder."

"Veal is evil!"
"What if the baby cow is into bondage?"

"I was evil, but in a very nice way."

"He couldn't piss in his own pants without explicit instructions."

"Why do I feel like I'm getting more stupider by the day?"

Excuse Me

I need to set my ringtone.

Fek'Lar
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!

Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.

From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people from the Christian Right.

feed available from http://www.lowcomdom.com/crapolla/index.xml

EOJ

<-- Read the previous Crapolla or Read the next Crapolla -->