The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
Your manager wants you to deploy an application seven months before engineering creates the technology to build the application.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
Y2K, Contest Winners, and The Crapolla Mailbag
Contest Winner!
Remember last issue when we asked you just what the hell are these guys doing?
We have a winner! Bob Beaulieu of Network Computer wrote:
The guy on the right is saying: " I think it more important to have hair on my ass than hair on my head!" The guy on the left responds : "yea , you might be right but I would trade every hair on my ass for 16 uninterrupted minutes with Monica Lewinski in the back of my '74 Pinto!"
Congratulations Bob for not interrupting your paragraph with a lot of pesky sentences!
I just can not get a speeding ticket these days without the cop asking how bad the Y2K problem is. The press has been running this into the ground so much people are beginning to speak Chinese.
I don't think Y2K is the problem. Everybody who is anybody has been working on this. And as for Jamaica who will be finished in the year 2004, does anybody who is anybody really care? Y2K ain't the problem stupidity is the problem.
Case In Point
In the past month and a half I have experienced twice complete Automated Bank Teller failures - for no good reason. The first was a general power failure in San Francisco; the second was repeated power failures at the local mall. Why are these network outages stupid? Follow me on this one.
Let's say you're a bank. You're not really; we're just pretending. If you were a bank, I'd have contempt for you. (Sorry, I'll start again.) Let's say you're a bank. During the '90's you're cutting costs by closing branches and opening automated tellers in supermarkets and shopping malls. Human tellers are expensive even at minimum wage compared to a machine that works 24/7 without a break. By cutting costs you jack up profits that you can invest in places like Russia. Everybody you know is happy - at the country club.
If this is your grand strategy, why the hell wouldn't you wire all the machines on this teller network with independent back up power? It's still cheap. A back up power supply for an ATM would cost 200 bucks. You would stay up for the five second power outage at the mall the weekend before Christmas. Anyone know how long it takes for an ATM to boot? 20 MINUTES! 20 minutes of business is lost because the bank didn't design the network for power failures!
That was the case of the mall, but what about the general power outage in San Francisco? Okay, let's assume all the ATM's in San Francisco are dead. Why not keep the network repeaters up? If San Francisco doesn't have power the network for the entire state goes down. Does this sound smart to anyone? I remember an incident about nine and a half years ago were San Francisco was out of power for a long time. It was called, "The Loma Prieta Earthquake" and it delayed the San Francisco Giants choking in four games to the Oakland A's.
Do people really act like morons to save a buck? People Do.
The Crapolla Mailbag
Dear Mr. Fek'Lar,
I recently turned 25, am good looking, fun to be with, and yet am still unmarried. What am I doing wrong?
Sincerely,
The Spinster Geekette in Cube 17
Dear Geekette,
It's important to sell what they want to buy. Let's face it, guys like sex. Guys think about sex one out of every two seconds. The other second is divided between sports, beer, software, and whether or not to put headers on his car.
Since sex is so important, have you considered your approach to it? What would be your answer to this question? Would you ever give a guy you really liked a Hummer on a roller coaster? If not, you may continue to have trouble closing the sale.
Let's assume your answer was yes. Perhaps you intimidate men. Here's a tip: never get into a conversation about TCP/IP stacks on the first date. On the first date, the only stacks the guy will be thinking of are your's. Save the Geek Talk for smoking in the dark afterwards.
Least you think me callous, I'm only telling you what the vast majority of 25 year old men want. Remember 17 year old guys? The walking glands? 25 year old guys are just like them, only 8 years older and can now buy beer to occupy the other second. This isn't anything new to women. In fact women doll themselves up because guys can see better than they can think.
Who are you going to believe, me or your unmarried girlfriends?
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"This isn't "Lite-Bright"!
"Get off the phone, guys! Everyone you know and love is asleep!"
Person #1: "Do you know how to clear out a mall real fast?"
Person #2: "Uh, fart?"
Person #1: "No, you turn off... HEY!"
"Jerry Springer is Valium for the masses. I don't need it, I have my own prescription."
"I'm dressed like a scumbag!"
Excuse Me
I need more cash!
Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
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