The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

IS/IT/IR makes your network so secure, you can't get anything done.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

Time to leave Titanic and get religion - and then, a last second rewrite!

But First This Correction ...

Phoneboy writes in response to our last issue ...

Suppository. That's how you spell it. Now I suppose you'll want to paint Stef's car for me. Why not John's or Tony's? Or Bob's?

Phoneboy,

Thanks for putting your finger on the problem. With your assistance, this too shall pass.

Just for you, I'm not going to paint Stef's car, not John's, nor Tony's nor Bob's. (It's hard to repaint a Yugo.) I'm going to paint you!

Let Us Pray

As some of you know, I recently left Titanic Software. I clearly wasn't captain of that ship and thus saw no reason to go down with it. I joined up with The Church of the Holy and Immaculent Operating System which I will refer to as "The Church".

The Church was established several years ago, but just now is hitting critical mass. The only way to really scale the business up is with ecommerce. I and four others were hired to automate sales processes and get The Church peddling its wares in the web.

For weeks it seemed as though I were awake; I was working. I don't know if I have ever worked so hard in my life, and had so much fun doing it. I was writing types of code I had never ventured into before. On my first day, I stopped by my bookshelf on the way to the car and picked out the books I would need to learn how to do that day's assignment. I was like a kid in a candy store. We had a tight deadline for deploying our ecommerce solution. Then the bomb hit.

Just two weeks from deployment, VP's began posturing for dominance. If you've never seen this, it greatly resembles male elephant seals posturing to determine who gets to do all the screwing. And just what were these VP's posturing over? Give yourself a cookie if you guessed the very web site that our ecommerce solution was to be built into. Just two weeks from deployment of a critical path project and the team has been disbanded! Now I've seen a lot of weird stuff, like being told to never say no to a customer even if they want to jump off a cliff, but this is really up there. Think about it. Wouldn't it have been just slightly smarter to deploy this thing before acting like an elephant seal? For the good of The Church? Oh ... that's right, this isn't for the good of The Church. It's for the good of a VP. Now all the money and time that has been invested is being thrown away. A new team will be formed in the department of the VP who gets to do all the screwing. Ecommerce will probably be deployed in August. It's important to never think you've seen it all in The Valley.

My Web Colleuges and I are now looking for work. Luckily, this contract paid very well, and some time off will actually be welcomed. Do I sound bitter? I bet I do. I've written in the past about the psychology of leaving a company whether it's your decision or their's. I will miss this contract. It has been an incredibly fun ride. I just wish we had been given the chance to meet the challenge. Now, where's the number of my head hunter?

And Just Who Are You in the Company?

In my wandering around The Valley, I have noticed a few common characteristics in software companies. It has to do with the personality of the people in each department. For instance, have you noticed most people in the marketing department have at one time or another used the phrase, "picking the low laying fruit" when explaining the lack of ambition in their project? It's true, you can spot the marketing guys a mile away.

How to Spot a Marketing Guy ...
• Wears loafers with no socks in the summer.
• Has sweater tied around his neck in the winter.
• Acts like a weenie most of the time.
• Nice nails, fella!
• You're certain one of your belches would kill him.
• Always wearing that painted on smile. Even at Mom's funeral.

Marketing guys always remind me of the "preppy sissy boys" from college. Ick!

But Marketing isn't the only bastion of strange behavior. Just look at Engineering. People who are some of the most productive on the planet, yet they can't figure out simple social graces like washing dishes, opening a door for a lady, or bathing.

Spotting an Engineer at 50 feet ...
• Wears shorts in the winter. He can do this because he never goes outside. (Think about it)
• You're constantly backing away from him. (The bathing issue.)
• Gut (Need I say more?)
• Can explain to you how warp drive really works and how Geordi LaForge isn't worthy to wipe Scotty's ass.

Some of the nearest and dearest people to my heart are the Tech Support slaves. These people are the most co-dependent manic-depressives you're going to see at work.

Spotting the people who need anti-anxiety medication ...
• Can explain to engineering in the nicest words why their code is complete shit that should have never seen the light of day.
• Able to knock a flea off a dog's ass from 100 yards with a Nerf arrow.
• Really wants to be an engineer, just a bit to inept at math.
• Feels guilty about every single bug. Secretly wishes they could go to the customer's house to repair the computer personally.
• Wonders aloud why Carl Sagan never kicked Stephen Hawkings ass.

In any org-chart you'll see QA connected to the hip of engineering. I'd like to tell you about them, but I've never seen a QA Engineer. I think they use perl scripts to randomly open and close bugs to simulate real work.

Anyone else in your company is un-important. They either are in administration, are a manager, or sell. Why would you want to be seen with any of them?

Me? Lately, I have managed to weasel into more of an engineering kind of job. (This despite my lack of math skills.) So be warned, Mrs. Fek'Lar. The bathing stops NOW!

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe

Space Aliens Gave "Star Wars" Plot to Film Maker Lucas

Saga of The Force a Secret Documentary.

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"Well when are you not strange?"

"I'm just not mature."

"No thanks, I'm already puking."

"I like to keep them in my pants until I need them. Not bouncing around."

"Give me 10 seconds to read the resume."

"You are cementing your reputation as an unbalanced fuck!"

"I don't need verbiage, I need nudity!"

"Today's been a complete country-western music song."

"It's clear, easy to use, and completely inaccurate."

"Toss some chunks for me."

"Compile you little bitch!"

"Hi, I'm Serg I'll be your waiter."
"Hi Serg, we'll be talking business. Sign this NDA."

"I had an NT flashback."

"Do you like it on the front side or the back side?"

"I'll violate that rule next week."

Excuse Me

Time for me to put on my freshly stained shirt.

Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)

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