The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
you're having trouble figuring out a punchline for this tired old joke.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
Our mailbag runeth over, and I'm a tax payer again.
But First This Correction ...
Jason Pascual of Netscape (aren't they now called AOL?) writes ...
Fek'lar,
On my first day, I stopped by my "bookself" on the way to the car and picked out the books I would need to learn how to do that day's assignment.
I'm assuming you meant to say "bookshelf".
- Jason
Whoopsie! Either I or Miss Proofreader blew it on that one. Miss Proofreader swears up and down on a stack of floppies she pointed this out to me and I didn't make the correction. She writes ...
Well Fek'lar, I actually did catch this mistake and sent you the correction. I guess you must've overlooked it. Also, I don't know if I get paid enough to get criticized about my job....
No matter. I guess there's nothing left to do by PAINT STEF'S CAR!
And Now This Nasty-Gram From morbit
dearest feklar,
in your most recent ramblings you state
In any org-chart you'll see QA connected to the hip of engineering. I'd like to tell you about them, but I've never seen a QA Engineer. I think they use perl scripts to randomly open and close bugs to simulate real work.
what the fuck do you mean you have never seen them?? I know that you have seen me, and mookie too. Are we not real QA? Are we some sort of odd mutation from tech support?? Is there not such thing as a true pure QA person?
Please explain your lack of accuracy in this crapolla.
thanks,
morbit
No lack of accuracy at all, it is my position that both you and Moockie are fooling yourselves when you claim that QA title.
Real QA people do not worry about delivering a bug-free product. They do not bug the crap out of engineers who deliver less-than-worthy code. Real QA people show up at about 10:30 AM to consider where they will go for lunch. Lunch is from 11 AM to 1 PM plus travel time. At about 3 PM QA leaves to beat commute traffic. They claim they're making "Test Scripts" and designing "Automated Testing Systems". But the truth is they don't actually do anything. If you have a timebomb in your beta code, you'd better take it out of the release yourself, because they're not going to find it. Report a bug to QA, and get ready for the old, "Oh, we know about that" response.
As for your question about a "Pure QA Person", is there anyone in the software biz who is pure?
Considering all of what I assure you are the "facts", do you really want to continue to pass out those "Goddess of QA" business cards?
And if That Wasn't Enough, I Had to Read THIS Letter
Fek'Lar:
What do you have against guns?
Steve Brown
Huh? Where the hell did you get this idea? Chuck Heston and I are very close. We both believe strongly in our God given right to keep and arm bears. I'm very disturbed by this horrible rumor. Where would staff meetings be without guns?
RING!
"Hello?"
"Is this Mr. Fek'Lar?"
"Speaking"
"Mr. Lar, would you be interested in a job in Sacramento?"
(Pause)
"Why ... no."
"But it's an amazing opportunity, Mr. Lar. Can I call you Fek?"
CLICK!
And how has your month been? I have been speaking with a bunch of companies about the incredible opportunities here in The Valley. Now the truth is I really haven't looked for a job in maybe 8 years. I've had a lot of jobs, but they have always just magically appeared. Actually, I've been following Trouble around The Valley for the past 5 companies. If he changes jobs, I change my job. Some people have been known to set their watch by it.
So after being excommunicated by The Church, I finally got my resume together, found people to be references for me, and went off in search of a head hunter. This is about as easy as ordering french fries at McDonalds. A week after I spoke to the head hunter, nothing. Was this like having an agent in Hollywood? I called the head hunter and was pitched a job in San Francisco (too far out of my stated commute range) converting Korn shell scripts to perl. I wasn't really keen on the idea. The company doing the hiring wanted to do this because their 4 CPU machine was pegged between 4 and 5 PM. I didn't think perl was going to fix anything, but went along for the ride to practice my interviewing skills.
I was going to have to find a more scalable answer to my job searching task the same way that company needed a better scaling answer to their forking problem. I decided to see if there was anything on Monster.com. Yup, there were four good looking jobs that I could apply for online. But before I did that I had to submit a resume. This is where it all snowballed. Those four jobs didn't pan out, but in the course of a week almost 100 people had looked at my resume. Head hunters started coming out of the woodwork like cockroaches. The phone never stopped ringing.
Some people were reasonable, some not so. One person sounded like they fell out of their chair when I told them what I wanted to earn. Others didn't bat an eyelash. The zillion calls turned into billions of interviews and finally a few serious offers. I'm happy to report that I can once again go to movies on company time. I learned a few other things along the way.
If you're a net geek, then use net tools to find a net job. Monster.com really paid off and it didn't cost me anything. Do not belch when answering the phone. Know what you want and what you need to make. Don't put anyone down as a reference if they aren't able to sober up before noon. Finally, be picky! There are a bunch of jobs out there for the experienced geek. I don't care what you want to do, or what you want to make, someone will play ball.
This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe
Nose Hair Transplant Saved William Shatner's Career!
Captain Baldly Went Where No Sneeze Had Gone Before!
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"I'm not the droids you're looking for."
"His breath was so bad, you could arc weld with it."
"He killed somebody!"
"Did it affect revenue?"
Excuse Me
I need to read the show times.
Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
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