Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
your Manager walks in and yells, "Why the hell did you turn off everything in Europe?"
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
We crack the dawn's early light to re-invent breakfast; only later to spit up on the fourth estate.
6:45 AM - The air raid siren that is my alarm clock began to scream, "The Managers are Coming! The Managers are Coming!" Time for me to drag my bones out of bed, into a shower and off to my first day at Where the hell am I? Software (WTHAIS). After washing, grooming, and getting my shoes on the correct feet (mine), I noticed there was still time to eat breakfast.
The food scare in Belgium meant that Mrs. Fek'Lar and I were out of chocolate. I ended up eating a big brimming bowl of Kellogg's Fruit Loops cereal. Funny how it failed to satisfy. I mean, 30 seconds after finishing, there was the familiar gurgle coming from my intestinal region saying, "Feed me, Seymor!" Clearly, I was suffering from a deficiency of malnutrition. My body wanted some real sugar. The problem with the Fruit Loops was that the national PTA managed to get Kellogg's and the other cereal manufacturers to remove most of the sugar from their products.
When I was a kid, I used to look forward to getting to the bottom of the box of cereal. In the case of Fruit Loops what came out of the bottom of the box was almost pure sugar that had been scraped off the cereal in transit. A bowl from the bottom of the box would wire me up to give whichever teacher had the misfortune of having me in homeroom a brain hemorrhage at 8AM. The present day Fruit Loop product not only has had the sugar removed, I suspect they're putting Ridlin in just to slow down the little monsters in homeroom. I have no proof of this, but it's just as good a story as any. In any case I was going to need more than breakfast cereal to jump start my morning. No worries. I'm headed for a software company. I can get free sugar and caffeine there.
Sigh. My hopes were dashed. I was greeted by WTHAIS's VP of HR. "Would you like something to drink?" Would I? I hoped they had IV needles so I could get those heart palpitations started "real soon now". She opened the fridge and, I feel faint just writing this, there was only caffeine-free Diet Coke!
"Uh, where's the Diet Coke with caffeine?"
"Oh, we're out. It's the first thing people drink."
"When are we getting more?" came from my lips in a weak voice.
"When the rest of this has been drank."
"Is there a liquor store nearby?" I asked.
To my shock and horror, WTHAIS's version of junk food was power bars and other colon crap. There were no simple sugars to be found anywhere in the building. I had a bad feeling about this. There was clearly a problem, but taking hostages and barricading yourself in the server room usually doesn't work on your first day. I was going to have to sweat this one out. I needed to doodle my signature on a million pieces of paper. I was getting weak. I faked a paper cut, excused myself and left the building. There on the street was my salvation. A coffee house and a TCBY Yogurt shop. YES! First the coffee house for a hot chocolate, then the yogurt shop for three scoops of ice cream in a sugar cone. Yes, I was going to be wired that day, and no one was going to stop me! I had to bang on the door of the yogurt shop for about 10 minutes before the owner came to the door.
"We closed!" he said in poor english.
"Me need sugar! Have money!" I said just as badly. I now have an arrangement where I bring a bowl of cereal to his door every day at 7:30 AM. He sells me a fully caffeinated Diet Coke and puts two scoops of very chocolate ice cream on my Fruit Loops. I think this will work until I can rally the WTHAIS troops into revolt about the caffeine and simple sugar shortage.
Attack of the Killer Journalists
They're at it again!
The media has grabbed onto the JFK, jr. death like a support engineer clinging to the coffee urn.
It's disgusting. Everytime someone who's famous dies we have to endure this. Yesterday as I was watching CNBC (just checking to see if I really did have to go to work) and Liz Claman did her little JFK, jr. is still dead line and then let out this enormous sigh. She was acting like JFK, jr. was a member of her family, her flesh and blood, someone she was collecting alimony from. Liz was acting like she was never going to have another orgasm again.
It's Princess Di all over again. Do we need this shit? I'm sorry he's dead but after ten seconds, it's not important to me. I'm not a member of the family. My condolences but there's more going on in the world. A whole bunch of other people died that day. On average 30 general aviation planes crash per day. The 20th was the 30th anniversary of the landing on the moon. There was a sale on Diet Coke at Safeway. There were many other news-worthy stories.
The only answer is to cut these media leeches off. Next time someone dies, either kill your TV or watch tapes of yesterday's news. They'll get the message as soon as the ratings drop. After all, they're not really concerned, they're just good looking whores looking for a trick and we're the Johns.
This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe
Conspiracy Theorist Announce "Magic Propeller Scenario"!
"There are lots of 'Grassy Knolls' on Martha's Vineyard!"
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"That's nice and cold. It reminds me of my first date."
"The key to this business is being flexible, persistent, and crazy."
"A lot of stuff wouldn't have happened if beer hadn't been invented. I'm probably one of them."
Excuse Me
We're out of milk.
Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
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