Las Vegas - The Stress Test

Once again, we managed to get more money from the NEA than we needed for our second web project. This time it was a whole lot more, so we decided to send three people to New York City.

Once again, we used our standard criteria for deciding who to send.

Who do we need to get out of the office?
• Who has been trying to make Mojo wear pants? (1 point)
• Who is wanted by the cops? (5 points)
• Who has recently dumped a diet soda down his shirt? (15 points)
• Who buttered the glass? (15 points)
• Who is our postman most afraid of? (30 points)

We'd like to point out that Mongo is now the record holder in this competition. We made him the primary photographer; thus you only see him in a couple shots.

[Editors Note: We're still not revealing who our postman is most afraid of.]

Here we see Svlad the Impaler conning Trouble into carrying his tuxedo. Svlad's carry-on luggage was getting too big after packing the pikes and hand grenades.

Trouble is either doing a horrible job mooning the camera or he is demonstrating the wrong way to pack. Remember: Always pack with your legs, not with your back.

We were able to send three on the trip, but we couldn't afford first class airfare. We settled for Jimmy Joe's crop dusting service. The next time you need to spread poison on a field, may we suggest Jimmy Joe's?

We finally got to New York, but found Manhattan to be much smaller than we expected. Screw this! Let's get back on the plane!

Mongo wanted to go to Atlanta to see the "World of Coke" museum, but the people who went to the Olympics stripped it bare. Well, the hell with that! Back on the plane!

We ultimately arrived at a place that was big and could handle any rowdy crowd. Las Vegas, Nevada (as opposed to Las Vegas, Rhode Island.)

Svald! That's not a "working girl"! If you want that sort of thing, we could have gone to Washington, D.C.!

No trip would be complete without a Top 10 list. So here are the Top 10 things heard on our trip to Vegas

1. Mongo: "Would it disqualify me if I told you I don't have any underwear on?"
2. Svlad: "Look! It's a Taco Bell!"
3. Trouble: "Hi. I'm Trouble, and I'll be your customer."
4. Waitress at the Hard Rock Cafe: "Can I get you anything else?"
   Mongo: "Could you throw some more glasswear at us?"
5. Mongo: "Hi, Michelle. Could I have another Diet Coke? And I need to ask you a favor..."
6. Hotel Page: "Paging Mr. Fek'Lar Barling..."
7. (telephone ring)
   Trouble: (asleep, answers phone) "Huh?"
   Voice on telephone: "You have a do not disturb sign on your door. When can we clean your room?"
   Trouble: "What?"
8. Svlad: "Looks like Siegfried's white tiger just kneed him in the groin."
9. Girl on Street: "Congratulations!"
   Mongo: (Decked Out in a Tux) "For what?"
   Girl on Street: "For looking like that!"
10. (Hooker opens door to our cab)
    Hooker: "What are you laughing at?"

This terrible trio stayed up all night and played all day (well if you don't count the required two hours of sleep a day.) But there is a part of the day when the casinos hired blackjack dealers who never let you win. Our solution? Look at women in the pool!

The Rio is one of our favorite hotels. The cocktail waitresses wear butt floss and are very friendly. Once Mongo got drunk in this bar and wrote a major piece of software for a very large company. This just proves that if the Long Island is mixed right and the women are beautiful, you don't need a computer science degree.

Our waitress this trip, Michelle, helped us conduct a scientific survey.

Alas, the gambling, smoking, chasing and trouble-making had to end. (We had early court dates back in California Monday morning.) We packed our bags and headed home.

Trouble's success at the blackjack table went to his head. He required we address him as "Your Filthy Richness" until we got home.

[Editors Note: All three of our travelers survived their court appearances the next day. Mongo argued and won on a technicality that all cooking is based on the boiling of water, and since the meal in question was dry as the Sahara (The desert, not the casino) it was not food the boys had refused to pay for. No wonder the postman is afraid of him!]