Sucks and Blows!
From Da Joke Archives
Famous Last Words
Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.
Quick! They'll never find us if we hide here.
Don't worry ... it's not used any more.
Step back a bit. I can't get you in the picture.
So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?
Listen ... I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.
It's OK so long as you stay downwind.
Nah, that fuel gauge often gets stuck on Empty.
Hey, don't worry ... it isn't loaded.
I thought it tasted rather strange.
Please fasten your seatbelts. We're about to enter some turbu...
Well, *I've* never seen one that big.
Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?
Gee, what a cute little pit bull.
You have driven this before, haven't you?
And that one over there, the red flashing one ... what does that mean?
Well I think you should *tell* him just how you feel.
I've never had one of these fail to open before.
Look ... how was *I* supposed to know it was upside down?
Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?
Say, what's that faint ticking noise?
It's OK, I saw them do it on TV.
Don't unplug it ... it will just take a moment to fix.
Let's take the shortcut. He can't see us from there.
What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
We won't need reservations.
It's always sunny there this time of the year.
They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
You can make it easy... that train isn't coming fast.
Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty.
Let's see if it's loaded.
Just watch me dive from that bridge.
Lemme have that bottle; I'll try it.
What? Your mother is going to stay another month?
Say, who's boss of this joint anyhow?
"C'mon ya wimps, one more beer! It's open ocean out there ... what're we gonna hit?" -- Capt. Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez
"Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father." -- Darth Vader
"Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." -- NASA techie
"I eat guys like you for breakfast!" --Jeffrey Dahmer
"Here I sit, all broken-hearted ..." -- Elvis Presley
"How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" -- Insect
"No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'"
"How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question,' people??" -- Alex Trebek
"Took your parking space?? Well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!"
Word of the Day
- A vehicle which conveys uniformed officers to donut shops.
From the The LowComDom Online Dictionary
In his column, "Lucky Strikes!" Fek'Lar thus spake... "As I mentioned, for the past seven years, I've had what I consider sub-standard housing at WTHAIS. Once, someone came by and told me that his boss had told him to get his butt in my cube. I retorted that that was going to be a trick since mine didn't fit in it. We got this crappy furniture when we expanded into our second building. Our tenant had gone tits-up and abandoned their crappy dwellings. We just moved in without changes. Everything was a weird shade of lime green, and not a real four-sided cube. These are the crappiest accommodations I have ever worked in. (That's saying a lot!) But we had comradeship to get through those years. Then two years ago, they laid off most of the staff. Suddenly, we had a lot of free space. Mein Fuhrer has exported so many jobs to India that we moved back out of the second building. The new tenants hated the cubettes so much WTHAIS moved a bunch of the good cubes from building 1 into building 2, so I moved back to building 1 and was in an even smaller version of the crappy cubette I had been in! Yup, things were even worse." more...
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